CAra Ester, I am V.
Short Recap: mom who passed away a few years ago, Complicated relationship with my fatheranxious attachment style, good girl etc.
A year ago I wrote you in full crisis with the boy I was attending and I was not convinced of, I constantly questioned what I felt and did not feel, I didn’t live lightly.
After further months of ups and downs I take the decision to leave it and start flying. Alone I am fine, I don’t look for a story, I feel really light like a feather.
From April the time flies: I give my exams in session, I start for the holidays, I start the last year of university.
In November through a common friend I know A.
He studies in my city as Fuorized and has no intention of staying, he wants and must go abroad and he must graduate. It comes out of a very long relationship, with pitches and spring.
Has lightning bump and within a week he asks me to go out, Shakes something immediately and from the day after we are always together: messages, a great desire to see, makes me know some friends, weekend out …
A first moment of crisis takes place to discover that he is very different, he so rational and I so emotional. I am afraid after hearing him say he is not sure he has ever really loved his ex after so many years of relationship and who struggles to feel strong emotions.
We pass and go on.
We are separated two weeks, call every day, “I miss you”, “I can’t wait to see you”.
In January I go to visit him in his region: we spend it with his family on the first day, the remaining three around together. Four splendid days and I am more and more in love.
Once back All wonderful: I let him know my best friend, we sleep together, sweet words, ideas for the future despite the distance, I see myself taking planes, “If you want you find a meeting point”, “you can find a city that is good for both”, “I take care of you”, reassurance and affection.
After some time I know some of his attention and I wonder if something has changed. I inform him that for me one more message is important to the day, as he did before, this does not happen.
He passes a very stressful period of which I don’t talk to me, I learn it from friends. He does not open with me, he does not tell me what he feels, his worries, his thoughts, I feel frustrated because I would like more and to the umpteenth stupidness that I perceive as a lack I make him a sort of scene by heating a lot.
He believes it is better to leave usthen think again and we decide to see slowly how it goes.
Five days after the same boy who said he wanted to know my family is confused and he no longer knows what he wants. He says he wants me, that he wants to be with me but things have changed and it is no longer sure that this story can work. When I tell him that he has to clarify and I go to his home he runs behind like type scene As a movies saying that only me wants me. Time ten minutes changes your mind and it is no longer safe. He accompanies me at home saying that I will miss him a lot with tears in his eyes, that he wants me, that he wants to be with me but is not all black or white.
He writes to me saying once again he is too confused And that, as I said, thanks to anything else.
I that evening not towards a tear. The blow comes the next day. I can’t eat, I cry desperately, I do not accept the idea of not seeing him again and that everything has changed for him within a day, that it is a robot that does not cross the pain and I know he will not return to his steps because he told me and because he makes himself strong to have to go in a few months, to be struggling with thesis and research of work.
There effort I’m doing not looking for itnot to go under his house is immense. I just wish he returned to me. Am I too difficult to love, to be chosen?
I feel sinking Esther, because this time I really believed it.
Ester Viola’s answer
Dear V.,
take one of us at random. At a certain point in life -much further on where you are -, taken from an indescribable tiredness, a strategic operation will begin on a Sunday evening and calmly will begin to save her life. The great clarification of ideas begins in the sentimental disaster department. It will not find stable answers in the short term, of course. But the questions begin to be better.
I was wondering, more or less at your age, quite tidying the brain, But is there a method? Are there circumstances (Scoppols took? Are you a city and barefront girl? Have you lovingly grown up? Being rich-Old-Money? Being very beautiful?) Able to facilitate things? Because anyway some people seemed to me – and the thing was indisputable – more suitable to make themselves desire, wait, call. Much more than me. There were girls who had written in the horoscope: you have to love me, necessarily! And they loved them, more or less everyone.
They came to them naturally, at least so it seemed to me. They have ways, a skill, a softness of the conversation, a disinterest in the stingy part of the relationship that puts safely – I discovered later.
What I knew very well was how it was in the other group much more numerous, mine: people like debts, opaque, with the questions in drill, those that love is everything and without love is worth nothing. Life has only one well of happiness: the couple. You know those people who want to talk about their relationship in relationships, how their relationship goes, where you understand each other, where you don’t understand each other, in which points you have to improve.
And there was no row to take them, strange.
These derelitti (including me) again They did not understand how much love hates weights. Love does not stand anything, especially too much love on the other side.
Is this really the case? And why does it happen that the more instinct is to give, the more they do not want to know? Why too much desire and to love becomes a refointing?
Why yes. And therefore from there the caterva of the injustices:
a) The very popular love will never be renovated.
b) The desire goes to what is most contrary to him.
c) certain insensitive cruels have actions in constant rise Stable even if you call them narcissists. And the great independent of the satisfied are those that the great loves find them effortlessly. For others it is not known what to do.
You have to have another equipment of the character, V .. a never need to overdo it. To ask. To cry, to demand, to seek confirmations, to want to be supported, helped, understood, interpreted, healed, adjusted, improved, happy facts. When you don’t need anything, all the love of the world comes there.
You understood that the chances of finding someone before finding who you are and you want to do are reduced to very few.
No simulation would work. “Having to want, disappear, do not write” is not that you can do it for years. “In love with little and keeping distance” is another unrealistic ambition, the voluntary dosage in falling in love is an object that does not exist in nature.
I once found this line in some books, I have to start looking for which: a seductress has the sense of measure. Would I have happened to it at twenty? Maybe not even thirty. Taking the translation is a question of intuition, but the kind of intuition that matures when you grow. It is not that you have to train to become a seductress, but in short, we understood what that name means.
Read it calmly. Review it in the head. It is literature of a precise type: what is needed. It turns out like a light bulb and a little light does it.
Now passing from the general to the particular: you don’t have to worry about what will come from here on, you have everything to do it.
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