CHi Ester, I’m S., I’m 30 years old and I’m in terrible pain over a story that ended badly. I suffer because it ended suddenly, arguing while we made love without knowing if we were more full of pain or resentment. More honestly, I suffer because it’s just over!
Which then, I ask myself – as if I didn’t already have the answers I’m looking for – why does it hurt so much if it’s been 3 years of revolving doors, of K2 peaks packed with zabriskie points, when will this journey to hell end?
There was me, then another, then me, then another, then me, then another and yet another. Not me anymore. Like the greatest classic of classics, I know I am an active part of this toxic pantomime. But what can I do? Is it laziness, is it indolence on mine? I would like to mature, grow up once and for all. But does becoming an adult really mean relying on the most vulgar pragmatism even for love?! Is this really happiness, freedom? It seems to me just the palliative pill for sadness, with a lifelong dosage. And I don’t feel like taking this pill, don’t you happen to have a homeopathic remedy or some other magic?!
S.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear S.,
The most humbling part of being in love is when you understand that solutions exist, but they are all imaginary. There is no pill of resignation, there is no pill for trust with every “you have to start over” that you have to inflict on yourself, there is no pill for moving on and not even the pill for saying to yourself “but what do I care?” on command. And there isn’t the pill that would be most useful: falling in love with someone else, the day after tomorrow.
We are gathered here again today for the big question. The illusory alternative, better. Here it is:
a) I settle for the right good person
b) I follow the wrong one, at least I feel beautiful, alive and invigorated by adrenaline.
Let everyone enjoy love as best as they can. A and B are even, both uncertain, and it will depend on the inclinations. Usually those who are a little grown up head towards less stormy seas, it’s not giving up, disillusionment or other dejected words, it’s a minimum of experience.
Here a series of things that – after a fair amount of rip-offs – agree on several heads. Silly and not so silly revelations shared. See what to do with it.
1. Elective affinities. They don’t exist. Or they exist but like everything else they are not needed. Do they seem perfect to be together? They will be there or they won’t be there, it will depend on the circumstances.
2. Get started. The construction of love does not tolerate already exhausted characters. The curriculum of disappointments must be burned every time even if it seems ridiculous: stage innocence is required. You serve disillusioned but they don’t want you disillusioned. What an effort, yes, you’re right.
3. Settle/not settle. Over time we discover that “being content and having it go well” and “being happy with the perfect relationship” are two places of fantasy.
4. Waiting doesn’t help. The longer you wait, the softer the ground becomes. Endless campaigns of conquest invariably end badly.
5. The chats. God save us from long chats. How to buy all the furniture before the house.
6. We are not like others. The relationships are identical. We are all varying versions of the very same thing.