Dear Mr Van Gaal, you are the best football coach in the world. Coached the best clubs, won the most trophies – and anyone claiming otherwise will have to deal with me personally.
But I also saw Geertjan Lassche’s documentary about you, which made me doubt a little bit again.
There I saw you fulminate against your team, your arrogance, your favorite player Luís Figo who had often felt like a “lion in a cage” because of your discipline and iron discipline.
The De Boer brothers too, as kids in the backseat with you. The tight heads, the frustration, still, about the missed World Cup in 2002 – they say because you were too much on their necks. And suddenly I thought: does an authoritarian approach still work for the even younger football players of generations Y and Z who currently play in Orange?
When I asked for advice on Twitter, I got many reassuring answers. That your “disciplined approach is very suitable for all football companies with fragile egos that are held hostage by the floating sea of Instagram likes, Gucci bags and millions of salaries” (not my words, of course).
But I also got some ideas for some extra dots on the i that will make your invincible strategies stand out even more. I’ll list them for you!
1
First of all, don’t call yourself a national coach anymore.
This generation of players no longer knows that word. They are bombarded with on TikTok and Instagram all day long inspirational in English – Dutch she says nothing. So call yourself ‘product owner Orange’, as one reader suggested, ‘tribe lead Dutch soccer team’, or ‘rockstar’ and everyone will know exactly what you are ‘at the crossbar’ for in Qatar.
Also read an interview with Louis van Gaal: “Man is weak by nature, I am an exception”
2
Throw in more English one-liners anyway.
‘Be bold, sacrifice and invest for the life you wanna live.’ ‘Everyday is a chance to become the man that you want to become’ – that work. You will see that the spark will fly even better.
3
Furthermore, insert a few moments every match to make ‘content’ for the soosjals
Just pause that match, it’s already so hot – and then #livingthedream and #lovemyjob with a round of smiles and selfies.
4
Also keep in mind that some players don’t want to be in the picture.
Of course they have a right to privacy. Position them so that the camera keeps them out of view.
5
Also quickly put a sleeve on your arm, which you can subtly peek out from under your sleeve.
This shows that you are one of them. Well elevated above them, of course, but also the cool grandpa who understands their symbols.
6
And, of course, no more yelling.
That’s really out of date. The work situation must be safe. Don’t focus on what’s going badly (effort, motivation, goals, result), but emphasize the positive sides (that new tattoo is awesome, new haircut, the atmosphere is good).
7
Also make arrangements with the referees and linesmen.
That they don’t immediately whistle very loudly and stuff, but look up the conversation on the side. Just a ‘how does this feel to you’, ‘I see this affects you’ and ‘you can be there’.
8
Respond to their need for freedom.
So if they don’t feel like it because it’s too exciting or they don’t feel so good about themselves, that’s fine. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay too. The other may also win.
9
Also let them wear their own clothes on the field
Your clothes are an expression of your personality. That takes some getting used to for the opponent, but he certainly knows who belongs to the Orange squad and otherwise they will find out quite quickly.
10
I actually mean: keep it fun.
It’s scary enough in Qatar with all the human rights talk and thousands of dead migrant workers.
11
Also be careful with ‘the total human principle’, which you have adhered to throughout your career. Of course, attention to the whole person, including their wives, their children, their background and descent, contributes to their results. But this generation is also one of separating work and private life. So first carefully assess how much they want to share.
12
After that you can still scale up mercilessly.
Think of a crying session before a game or in the evening before going to sleep.
13
And use your wife Truus, suggested a reader.
Nobody says no to Truus. With this you can also play the good cop where they come to cry if Truus tells them the truth.
14
Finally, ask all players – carefully, of course – if they want to join the Dutch team next time.
The whole selection process is, of course, outdated. These people determine their own career.
And then I also turn to the journal, your amigos de la prensa.
Guys, I don’t want to read or hear any more lame jokes or ironic, sarcastic pieces and podcasts from you about Louis van Gaal this World Cup. Hats off to all that siempre negativo. We are up to our ears in the most chaotic World Cup ever. If anyone can lead us to victory in that, it’s Van Gaal – respect is in order, we must cherish that man.
Although, if his theory is correct, that he is so successful, we better replace him with Sarina Wiegman. He has already made two countries European champions and Louis still zero. But that’s not the point right now.
What matters is that Louis van Gaal is the best, a legend, and this team is the best team ever to have played at a World Cup. Watch the dream. See the impossible.
Be the victory.
A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of November 22, 2022