It’s wonderful that the annual discussion about a total fireworks ban has started again. Proponents and opponents are allowed to chat civilly at talk show tables about this controversial topic that has been controversial for decades. The conclusion is already known: it is up to politicians. And politicians don’t want it. The right in particular is against a ban. Because it sounds so fun on New Year’s Eve. In addition, if your child wants to see his fingers flying through the air, that should be possible. The child learns from that. The question is whether the child actually sees the fingers flying. Usually the eyes are also on the street. In that respect, it is good that the pharmacists’ strike is not going ahead. A lot of extra gauze and plasters will be needed in the coming days. But you can also get one at Kruidvat, right? It might be an idea to call those stores Kruitvat from now on during the last week of the year.
Speaking of fireworks: Putin had a good idea this week. He wants to compete with the Americans. Who can pee the furthest. But with rockets. I say: do it! Build two cities somewhere in Siberia or the Nevada desert and call them Kyiv and Moscow. Both made of cardboard and without inhabitants. Both the Americans and the Russians can take their sharpest guns there. Then they can go free. Just shoot each other’s towns to bits. You just make a few simple rules so that it is clear when who has won. For example, if you have completely razed the opponent’s city to the ground. Then the referee shouts “Gaza” and the game is decided. I hear you thinking that this is not right. Gaza is not a good safe word. Then they just keep going. Beats. But this is nothing but an illusion. It’s not real. In Gaza, yes.
Who could be a good referee? Bas Nijhuis. He has imagined himself out of his own reality to such an extent that he seems perfectly suited to this job. It might also be nice to broadcast it worldwide. Not via Viaplay because then hardly anyone can see it. At least that’s what I understood when Jutta Leerdam’s attention-addicted sweetheart went to box against the shivering elderly Mike Tyson. Did I just read that he will now cycle against Lance Armstrong? With or without doping? And have Sjakie Swart, Willem van Hanegem and the Van de Kerkhof brothers already been called for a game of indoor football?
Back to the genius Putin plan. Shooting without casualties. Of course that could also be done with that infantile Cobra thing. That we are building a street with a large number of front doors somewhere in a Dutch meadow. You can screw a plate on the front door with the name of the person you would like to scare or get rid of. Maybe it would be nice to make a window in the front door where you stick the photo of the victim to be liquidated. Then you hang the heavy fireworks on the handle and then you can light them yourself. Or let it light. I would hire expert types. Not those two not-so-bright cousins from Roosendaal who turned an eight-year-old boy into an orphan in one fell swoop. Plus the other completely innocent deaths and injuries. Last week it was explained on TV how best to place these types of firework bombs. I was stunned. It won’t be long before the NPO will publish a booklet: Liquidation for Dummies.
Interesting that we have become a country with more than a thousand serious fireworks attacks in one year. Sometimes I’m afraid we won’t hear a bang next New Year’s Eve. That everyone has Cobras at home, but will use them in the course of next year to kill an ex. Or a colleague who stinks. Or a mayor. I made a list myself this week. I need forty cobras next year to solve some private problems. So I say to my favorite enemies: you have been warned, but of course have a Merry Christmas everyone!