Cinvolving family lunches, it happens especially during the holiday period but naturally not only. We put children at the center of the scene, photographed and inundated with kisses and hugs, caresses and powerful pinching of cheeks. And this without considering too much whether all that attention is appreciated by them and to what extent. It’s always been like this. “Come on, give me a kiss” said by relatives near and far is a phrase that resonates in the ears of most adults today. Were we traumatized by it? Of course not, Traumas are something else, but it’s not among the best memories of our childhood. Today we can choose to spare our children the experience. In our era that has discovered the centrality of consent, we know: no expression of affection is due, much less from a child.
“Give your aunt a kiss”? We teach children that they can say “no, thank you” (even at Christmas)
Several articles and books are dedicated to this topic. Like the piece up The Atlantic in which Rheana Murray tells how many parents have taken up the cause as their own, too at the cost of friction with the grandparents of the children in question. The article on has a similar slant Washington Post in which Carolyn Hax responds to a grandmother hurt by her 7-year-old granddaughter’s refusal to give her hugs. In short, there is a generation gap at play.
Respect for personal boundaries by family members
What for an adult is an affectionate and harmless gesture, for a child can represent an invasion of their personal space. An article also explains it on the American website of Today in which various experts are interviewed, according to whom forcing children to accept unwanted attention is decidedly wrong. Teach them that people they know are always allowed to touch them.
In fact, if all parents warn children about the danger represented by strangers, they often do not take into account the fact that even family people, even if in very good faith, must respect the personal boundaries of the little ones.
In the request for affection from a grandparent or an aunt there is the emotional need of the adult, hence the conflict between generations. But it is a necessity that cannot prevail over the well-being of the child.
The choice must be the child’s
It is then clear that a lot depends on the character of the little ones: there are those who welcome willingly displays of affection and reciprocate them with enthusiasm even when they come from relatively strangers. Those who like hugs from relatives but who they may still not be in the mood. And then there they are those who don’t like to be touched. Among them, some tolerate reluctantly, to meet the expectations of adults. Others express dissent and are often pushed insistentlyinstead, to consent.
After all, we experience similar sensations even “when we grow up”, and perhaps we conform, we accept the touch to avoid worrying, becoming impatient, saddening. We can instead teach children to say “no, thank you”to assert the right to like or dislike body contact, and without feeling the same sense of guilt as we do.
Useful readings to explain consent to children
To find the right words there are several books. As Give a kiss to whoever you wantby Rachel Brian: a manual to learn to feel in control of your own body, to recognize and appreciate differences without judging or denigrating. OR Yes & no. It can be done, it can’t be done in which Pauline Oud explains a boys and girls from 4 years old how to express their boundaries in a conscious and peaceful way.
Obviously this has nothing to do with i benefits of hugs in “real” emotional relationships. Of course, there are children who reject even their parents’ fuss very quickly, and this does not mean that they do not reciprocate their love. But, in general, the issue arises when physical contact is sporadic and proposed outside of a significant relationship. Precisely, from distant uncles, family friends, relatives visiting for the holidays: in these cases it becomes an imposition, whether it is explicit or not.