“He was in his room, we thought he was sure.” This phrase, extracted from the series Adolescence From Netflix, summarizes a frequent restlessness between fathers and mothers: What happens behind the closed door of their teenage children? The series, which tells the story of a young man accused of killing a girl of the same age, exposes how parents can deeply ignore the reality of their children, even when they believe they are close. Issues such as harassment in social networks or the disturbing world of INCELS They are clear examples of realities that adults completely ignore. Today, the true private space, unknown and potentially dangerous for adolescents, is on the Internet.
Raia teenagers has always been complex, and especially when it is time to load with the fault that something went wrong. However, as Jean-Paul Sartre said, “we are what we do with what they did of us.” This implies that parents can guide, educate and protect, but do not always control what their children will become. This reality is very well portrayed in a key scene of the series, where Jaime’s father, the protagonist, asks his wife: “How do we create our daughter to be so good?”, And receives an uncomfortable response: “Exactly the same as him.” Using the same parenting methods does not ensure the same results, because each teenager makes their own decisions on how to face their history.
It is important to understand that adolescence is a stage of rebellion, in which young people try to distance themselves from the adult world to build their own, personal and private space. This search can lead them to challenge – or even reject – aspects of the environment in which they grew up, which often generates uncertainty and concern in adults.
That is why it is unfair to hold only parents, since parenting is a collective task. The well -known African proverb says: “A town is needed to raise a child”, highlighting that not only the family determines how young people grow, but also the school, the community, public policies and even the media. Although it seems distant, in ancient Sparta, for example, it was the State who totally assumed the education of children to turn them into warriors. This extreme example emphasizes how every society, consciously or unconsciously, influences the formation of their teenagers.
At present, one of the central challenges of parenting is in the need to set lighter limits. Many parents, influenced by having been raised with great severity or by current speeches that confuse freedom with total absence of limits, find it difficult to put firm rules. But the limits are not a punishment, but a way to protect and teach responsibility. Montesquieu warned that “absolute freedom is absence of law”, and Sartre added that “there is no freedom without responsibility.” It is crucial that adolescents understand that all action has real consequences.
The series Adolescence He illustrates this problem clearly with the case of a father who gave his son “everything”: computer, desk, headphones; But he forgot to give him something fundamental: the ability to face the “no” and the frustrations that imply the limits. Saying “does not” help adolescents to understand that decisions have effects that can be difficult, but are necessary for their emotional development.
Before such a complex panorama, trying to become reliable referents is a good goal. Teenagers need to feel that they can share their doubts, fears and problems with us, knowing that they will be heard and supported, not judged or excessively controlled. However, it is also harmful when adults are too passive in the exercise of their authority. The norms need clear consequences to function; It is not enough to say them, you have to fulfill them. In the series, the mother played the door of her son’s room and asked her to turn off the light, but never entered. He exercised his authority “from outside”, without completely assuming his role as an adult. Thus, there is no exact or universal formula: each teenager is unique, but both the absence of limits and excess rigor are equally harmful.
The hyperconnectivity of the current era adds another layer of complexity: physical isolation no longer implies security, since the Internet opens doors to dangerous and unknown content for parents. In the series, Jaime’s father is surprised to discover, while looking for exercise routines, violent and misogynists of the Andrew Tate influencer, content that constantly circulate among young people. This situation highlights the urgent need for adults to get involved and understand the digital world in which their children live.
In short, raising is not to ensure perfect results, but to accompany adolescents in their growth, recognizing their need for autonomy and, at the same time, establishing clear limits. The real challenge, as parents and as a society, is to be available and present at the important moments, accepting that everything cannot be controlled, but accompany from a reliable and respectful proximity. As the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said: “Teenagers challenge the adult world to discover if they can trust him.” Our challenge is to show them that, despite everything, they can do it.
* Psychoanalyst, co -author of imperfect and co -founder of Redpsi. @redpsi @Santiago.Silberman
By Santiago Silberman
Image gallery
