High peaks and deep valleys characterize the life of Theo Broekman (69) from Den Bosch. For years he struggled with a bipolar disorder. After years of silence and uncertainty, he now talks openly about his experiences. He wants to help loved ones and fellow sufferers by sharing his story.
When Theo was 33 years old, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That is a mental illness in which someone goes through extreme mood swings ranging from euphoric periods to deep depression. “It seems as if there is someone else in you who determines how you think and do. Even if you want it differently, “he explains.
The now 69-year-old Theo has been struggling with mood swings since his youth. “I tended to bring myself down and often saw things much darker than they really were,” he says. But Theo kept this hidden from the outside world for a long time. “I often thought, I had something physical. With someone with a broken leg you don’t say ‘walk on’. But to someone who is depressed is often said ‘do fun’. ”
“You don’t want to die, but you don’t really want to live anymore.”
Theo knew good periods in his life. He worked hard and unexpectedly got a job as a municipal secretary. “I was convinced that if things went well at work, it would go well with the rest,” he says. But over the years, the depression lasted ever longer and became more severe.
Partly because of that, his work became increasingly heavier. “Every working day was a fight. At night I lay awake and I kept grinding about what I wasn’t doing well,” he says. Theo did not show anything until he burst into crying at work. Thanks to a colleague he received an appointment with the psychiatrist and the diagnosis of bipolar disorder followed quickly.
What is a bipolar disorder?
A bipolar disorder is a mental illness in which someone is strongly fluctuating between extreme highs and lows. In so -called manic periods, someone feels euphoric, hyperactive and sometimes reckless. Often followed by depressive periods with gloom, fatigue and a lack of motivation.
Although the disorder cannot be cured, it can be kept well under control with medication and therapy.
“I thought with medicines everything will be fine and nobody needs to know anything about my disorder,” says the 69-year-old Bosschenaar. But over time the depression returned, more intense than ever. “I often walked around with the thought to put an end to it. You don’t want to die, but you just don’t want to live anymore. ”
At the age of 40, Theo reported sick and was rejected. “When everyone knew ‘it’, I started talking about it. The most common reaction was: “I really didn’t think that of you.” But that is because of that mask that I always had on. ”
“You are not responsible for your bipolar disorder.”
Theo has been retired for a few years now and he has been doing a lot better since then. He can now talk well about his disorder and he hardly suffers from depression. He therefore wants to help fellow sufferers and their loved ones by sharing his story. In his book The blossom also has a shadow, describes Theo how he has learned to deal with his mental illness.
“I want to show how important it is to be open when you are bipolar. You are not responsible for having a bipolar disorder, but you can feel responsible for how you deal with it, “he says.” Because it is often even more difficult for the people around you if you are bipolar. It has an impact on their lives, but they can only better understand and help you talk about it. ”
Talking about thoughts to suicide helps. You can call 24 hours a day with Stichting 113 Suicide Prevention via 0800 0113 or chat via EN 113.nl.