PIt can happen that you find yourself in an unbalanced sentimental situation, where for example the other person is already busy and has relegated to the role of lover. Christmas, but also for example the summer holidays, is the time when you feel most alone because not only do you not spend it with the person you love, but rather you feel neglected and put aside. It is therefore fundamental to learn to live this type of relationship without constantly waiting for the other person.
Being a lover at Christmas and feeling alone
For those in the position of lover, Christmas and the holidays in general are not a happy time. Especially if there is an emotional involvement towards the other person and you are single: «Being in love with a busy person is not easy because it means live with the fact that there will always be times when you will be overshadowed, despite any promises to the contrary which, when broken, only add disappointment to the weight of loneliness” he begins Carolina Traverso, psychologist, psychotherapist and expert in couple dynamics who continues: «The point is that being in love with a committed person, unless this person is in an open relationship, it means his family will have priority». And this is a huge factor that must be seriously taken into consideration in these cases.
If the other person is in fact busy, even if it hurts though it is logical to think that he will not spend the holidays, from Christmas to Easter but also the summer holidays, with us. Just as it is inevitable that you will not spend every evening together just as very often you will find yourself alone during the weekends because the other person cannot, or above all does not want, constantly lie to his family. Managing this situation, emotionally speaking, is certainly not easy.
Christmas alone but without melancholy (Getty Images)
Betrayal does not always lead to the breakup of the couple
Another factor to take into consideration is that, even if a person has a lover, it is not necessarily the case that he will leave his family. In this sense, pop culture, films in particular, have not always been helpful: very often in films we see that the other person leaves the family because he has chosen a lover. As the expert explains this is not the most frequent possibility, in fact, it may be difficult for it to happen: «A betrayal, for those who are already in a relationship, can be a parenthesis of transgression, the satisfaction of a need which cannot be implemented within the couple. It can also be an important story but it doesn’t necessarily mean that this causes the end of the “official” relationship, even though it is an overwhelming story.”
If you are a lover at Christmas, but not only, it is essential to maintain clarity «otherwise you risk finding yourself in a very stressful situation on an emotional level. The whirlwind of emotions made up of pain, jealousy and stolen moments of happiness, which may initially seem exciting, risks breaking the heart over time. For this reason, the heart cannot be commanded but the heart must be protected.”
The risks you face when you are the lover at Christmas
And Christmas is the time when very often the “knots come home to roost” regarding having found yourself being the lover at Christmas. First of all, it may happen that you realize that you have fallen in love: «It is important to recognize what you feel and legitimize it. If you realize experience deeper feelings, it is important, when seeing each other again, to honestly say what you feel. If the other person is also sincere in declaring their feelings, you can decide how to evolve the relationship” explains the expert.
The second risk to watch out for during the holidays is competition. Feeling neglected, you enter into competition with your official partner, wanting to show the other person how much you are better: «However, it is an attitude that often only serves to increase one’s insecurity and certainly not to make the person fall in love. Indeed, he could even become defensive because he is not ready or has respect for his official partner or, even if it may seem contradictory, he still loves his partner and does not have the slightest intention of choosing and leaving him.”
The third risk, which is the most dangerous, is to wait. And it doesn’t just concern Christmas but also all the other days of the year. You expect the other person to show up, you expect a phone call from them, you expect to go out together, you expect them to leave your official partner. It’s a continuous wait. And in doing so, you neglect your social life and, in general, your life. With the consequence of feeling even more alone and vulnerable. «Be careful: if, up until now, this person hasn’t made you their priority, do you really want it to be yours, to the detriment of the general quality of your life?».
How to get out of an unbalanced situation
How to start getting out of this very frustrating situation? «To stop obsessing, or to do it a little less, is good cultivate friendships, especially non-judgmental ones, and make plans with them to spend the holidays in good company, despite missing him. The idea of planning a trip is also very good, perhaps to a destination that we have always wanted to visit, alone, with a friend or in a group” advises the expert, but not only: “As the grandmothers used to say, “It is necessary to take off the slices of salami with the eyes” e start seeing the situation for what it is. Although you might want to fall in love so much that you don’t want to admit that a relationship will lead you nowhere, regardless of whether the other person is busy or not. It doesn’t matter how special it makes the other person feel when they are there. You have to ask yourself: can I trust this person? Do I feel like he has deep feelings for me? Have you ever told me that you want to build a future together?” The expert concludes.
iO Donna © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED