Bad Relationships – Betrayal and Desire. How to get out?

Covid has arrived and, during the lockdown in which I was down from my family and he from his, we continued to hear from each other non-stop, but without any kind of malice or strange arguments.
We returned to Rome after the lockdown and started dating the same group of friends but, over time, our very dangerous mutual interest had become much stronger and therefore clear to everyone. Hugs, looks, a couple of times on our way home accompanied by some friends, in the back seat we held hands all the way.

Two months ago, a time when my boyfriend was driving me crazy and I was crying almost every day, we slept together. It was an exciting experience in which we felt all the union and affection we have always felt for each other. He looked at me and kissed me like a man in love. But maybe he does this with all of them, I thought and I still think.
Nothing happened again and the next week, during a date with the others, we kissed in front of everyone. That evening he insisted on talking about the situation (I didn’t want to but he forced me by telling me that usually in these situations he is never the one he asks to clarify), he told me that he couldn’t ask me to leave my boyfriend for him because he cannot give me certainties, that we are almost “soul mates”, that he likes me very much and he confessed to me that he has never been engaged but has always played the role of a lover. This thing shocked me.
He asked me so many questions about my boyfriend, how long we had been together, if I loved him and what I thought about the situation that was going on. My only answer for everything was “I don’t know”. And unfortunately it is a thought that I repeat. At the end of this conversation we didn’t make any decisions and when he drove me home we kissed again.
The next time, during another group outing, I was clearly drunk (unfortunately I did not experience all this in a too rational way), I approached him: he dodged me and got angry telling me that we could not do this. , I could not approach him drunk, he asked me if I was aware of what I was doing, that I am engaged and he wanted nothing more than friendship.

Okay, the point is that I rationalized sober the next day and realized that the situation was right, that I had exaggerated approaching drunk and that I couldn’t bear to continue an underground relationship with a woman. person to whom I am so attached and with whom I go out together. I apologized to him for exaggerating and asked for our friendship to be as splendid as it was before. He reiterated his apology saying that perhaps he too had exaggerated with the tones.
After this blow, I decided to go away for a while and he started writing to mequietly wondering where I had been on a weekend (when I hadn’t specifically specified where I was) or referring to the memory of a funny thing I did at his house during a dinner. When we see each other he is always embarrassed at firstbut after a while he tries to get close to me with physical contact, he hugs me, he takes me by the hips, a bit like it happened before the crime, and I don’t go along with him anymore.

The point is that I rationally door that I’m not in love with him, I consider my boyfriend superior to him in a million ways and I really care about my boyfriend. But there is something that I cannot understand and that is torturing me: I’ve always been thinking about this other one all the time, I would like him to tell me that he is in love with me and I go crazy if I know he makes some simple jokes about girls or if he goes out and there are other girls I don’t know in the group. Also I see him as he looks at me, I know that I am not completely indifferent to him, from fuck and go. Maybe I should walk further away and not go out with that group anymore to avoid seeing unpleasant things someday and think that in reality I was really just another girlfriend who just pumped his ego. I can’t bear that this very strong bond we had in which each seems to be a copy of the other is actually another bleak story in which the girl remains to suffer.
I would like to understand if it’s just obsession, typical of a simple woman, or if maybe I have a problem with my boyfriend and I don’t realize or if maybe I’m in love with this other one and I’m denying it.

Can you help me get out of this self-induced madness?

A kiss,
M.

Ester Viola’s answer

Dear M., what a difficult June. The matter of the day makes my neck from air conditioning worse: How will the adult individual face treason? Especially if he / she likes it? And again: do the horns made or suffered improve the subjects, make them worse? Are they ontologically a very certain end or are they always ontologically a couple normality that the cultural industry imposes on us instead of imagining us as the death of the vilified relationship?

And especially. The therefore. The cheater, he. What should he do?

Meanwhile, obvious things: the direct inevitable consequence of a state of general well-being is that the relationship, every relationship, falls apart and lovers emerge. The case study has at least as much dust as Madame Bovary.

What are we going to do with this betrayal thing? Is there salvation, even if the altar boys betray? If I miss it, do decent people hold back?

I would like to try M., but I have no heart to continue. At every request for further information on the traitor’s dilemma, the poor cuckold always comes to mind. I only care about him. How many does the poor Christ go by, from that moment on.

First of all: he always finds out. Second of all: he keeps them. The world asks for fair play. They betrayed you, so what? Come on, that’s okay. That’s that face. But aren’t you a ball, and that’s why they betray you?
We must also look at each other and admit one thing: the cuckold makes you laugh. You must never go to Germany, Paolo. Sassaroli explains everything you need to know about love (see my friends, then write to me to tell me you have no other questions).

Where we were? Ah. To the cruelty of the world. O nature, o nature, why do you deceive your children from so much?
The poor cuckold is horned and blown. Naked. Even if he is seriously ill with pain with documented damage to health and takes the traitor to court, the judges laugh at him and reply that the affliction from horns does not exceed the threshold of tolerability.
In short, the betrayal does not result in the violation of a constitutionally protected right.

The question of betrayal will never really be resolved, M. As you can see, even the interpretation alone fails. There is even discussion about what it is, so imagine if we will ever get to the miracle of the table of the law, “the right thing to do in case of horns.” Either you decide it’s a denial of love or you’re with Céline when she writes “you can love several people at the same time, but it is a truth that often one discovers when he dies“And you keep the swag, that is both.

I always say the same things, especially one. Thank the cuckolds, or you who find love again. Ah, the hidden feeling, how beautiful it is even when it is ugly. Tachycardia, madness, rushed to the bathroom to answer hot phones, sleepless nights, short priceless happiness robbed from executive spouses. The stock in the sentimental bag is very high.

Then, fortunately, universal justice in matters of love moves at a very slow pace but it moves: the cheater discovers that every new love is just an old love in disguise, and the male griffin and trafficker has known this for three thousand years, the less female, you see why they bury their lovers and do not leave their wives, because it is so much the same, then we should get together and start again to betray her too, what a mess, and on Sunday there is a soccer match and then you go to go out with friends.

Even writers at some point can’t take it anymore: Flaubert takes Madame Bovary slowly kills her of debts, Tostoj runs out of patience and hitches her under a train.
M., the last consideration and then let’s go. Do you want to enlist among those convinced that life must be filled by force and at all costs only with love? Do you want to fall into the trap and later not have answers to the question “but what have I done up to now”?

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