talk
Talk about your problems. You read this advice everywhere and I also follow it obediently. Not only do I write off my worries every week in this column, but I also talk to a professional. About my hair, the obsession with it and all the worries that come with it. Am I ashamed of this? No. In fact, I advise anyone who has been thinking about something for longer and can’t figure it out on their own to take the step. And to look for appropriate help.
I’ve had conversations with a psychologist before. And if I’m completely honest… I’ve seen and spoken to several psychologists in my life. Among other things, during a depression that I went through in my puberty, while going through the consequences of Lyme disease and after the death of my father. Also, when I was 21, I had already taken cognitive behavioral therapy for my hair loss. As written in an earlier column, my alopecia started. No, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it is now, but as a student I was already insecure and I couldn’t bear the loss of my hair.
Fear
I well remember that a great fear for me was to show myself with wet hair in front of others. Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on confronting your fears and experiencing what is happening. My assignment: to the pool! Head under the water and see what happens. You guessed it… nothing at all. What has stuck with me from all those exercises is the fact that people are generally mainly concerned with themselves. With their own fears and insecurities and absolutely not with yours. But still, more than ten years later I feel the same again. Again the uncertainty about my appearance and what others think of it. So hoppa, talking to someone again.
This time my psychologist is a man. Contrary to my wish. I would rather have a woman, because what man understands my problems with my hair? Wrong thinking. I think the fact that it is a man, he can talk to me about my problem very objectively. Basically the sessions are based on schema therapy. This form of therapy teaches me more about my own behavior and (often undesirable) patterns that have arisen in it. My hair is central. And not so much the cosmetic problem itself, because neither he nor I can do anything about this, but more the way I deal with it. My low self-esteem is an often recurring topic of conversation, but also, for example, the control I always want to have and now miss.
Take my last conversation as an example. It was again about the question: when do I grab the clippers and remove my hair? This is about taking control. I was working on this non-stop for the few days before the interview. Should I do it now? Tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? Through the conversations with my psychologist I realized that it is completely nonsensical to think about this all the time. It took up my day. Mega waste of my time, because the fact is that I can do this any time I want. So why think about that every minute? It is better to spare those thoughts and only express them when the time has come.
Of course I can think of this myself. But sometimes you just need a nudge in the right direction. Advice from someone outside your own circle. And if it is a good psychologist, he/she will also let you come up with the advice yourself by asking you critical questions. Questions that break through your thoughts, which are often in a vicious circle. Sometimes it also helps me to feel rational thoughts more emotionally. I also understand that I am not a different person when I have little or no hair, but to feel this too? It does require some steps. And by discussing this and tackling and discussing the underlying emotion, I get one step further every day.
No. My psychologist does not solve my problem. And my hair won’t fall out less because of my conversations with a professional. But it does help me to approach and look at the problem in a different way. And how nice is it to just talk about your shit for an hour? Really nice sometimes!
Follow Anne’s daily struggles via @hairtrouwdmetanne on Instagram.