DBecoming a mother after 40 is in many ways a blessing. Yet we get tired more easily, we try to keep up with children, work, elderly parents, but we inevitably end up missing some pieces. Today I am 50 years old and, although I am certainly a woman and no longer a little girl, I can’t help but feel the blow of the many, too many interferences of my mother and my mother-in-law in my life and that of my son. And the words rain down on me like lava rain. How can I find peace of mind for myself and my baby?
Christina
Doctor Marinella Cozzolino answers
Marinella Cozzolino She is a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist. She is the author of “Sex. Questions and answers”, “Family crimes. When love becomes tragedyShe is the creator of the Open Cards – Psychological Game52 questions, to learn to talk to each other, listen to each other, get to know each other. Also in the version for children aged 8 to 16.
Credits: Marinella Cozzolino
Becoming a mother: yesterday VS today
Motherhood is an extremely complex experience and today, compared to the past, there is greater awareness. Once upon a time, women had no tools or specific knowledge: above all, there was instinct and the support of the female group that surrounded her, made up of mothers, grandmothers and aunts. The children, in a certain sense, were “children of the pack”. Furthermore, people became mothers very young and motherhood was considered above all a social duty rather than a personal choice. The woman had a defined role, but not a true autonomous identity. The father also remained little involved in the emotional and educational growth of his children. Today the picture has changed radically. The recognition of motherhood as a rightand no longer as an obligation, marked an epochal transition. Women question themselves much more about the desire to have children and the idea of the mother they would like to be.
Your own idea of a mother
However, having clear ideas does not necessarily mean being prepared for the reality of motherhood. Many women construct an ideal image of themselves as mothers without having yet experienced what it really means. The first feelings of guilt often arise precisely from this gap between the imagined mother and the real mother. And so a sentence from one’s mother, mother-in-law or partner is enough to make a woman deeply question herself. In fact, when motherhood becomes concrete, not only rational feelings or beliefs come into play, but also the body. Pregnancy, postpartum, continuously interrupted sleep, chronic fatigue, breastfeeding, work and perhaps other children to look after represent a real physical test. A woman may have thought: “I’ll go back to work immediately”, but then discovers emotions and needs that she hadn’t anticipated. The bond with the son is deep, physical: leaving a small child to go to work is experienced as leaving a part of oneself elsewhere.
The relationship with one’s mother
In some cases the desire to become a mother also arises from the need to repair one’s relationship with the maternal figure. Anyone who has lived a childhood marked by rigidity, coldness or lack of love risks wanting to prove that they can be a “better” mother. But you run into another risk: falling into the opposite excessbecoming totally sacrificial towards his son and unconsciously burdening him with the weight of his own effort. Children, however, do not need a perfect or always available mother. They need a mother who is sufficiently serene, alive, capable of playing, having energy and emotional presence. And they must also be able to meet the limits of reality. Say “Today I’m tired, I can’t play” does not traumatize a child, as long as it does not become a constant rejection.
Mom: all the weight on me
Even today the burden of parenthood falls largely on the woman, or at least 70%. Nevertheless before having a child we rarely really stop to discuss future management in a concrete way. It would be necessary to ask ourselves: is the person I have chosen really the right father for my children? Will they be able to support me while I support them? Many men experience parenthood more lightly, also because they come from very different family models. In the past, fathers were little present in their children’s daily lives and children were educated above all to “do not disturb”. There was little emotional confidence: in some families the parents were addressed as “she”, displays of affection were rare and often limited. Paradoxically, raising children was easier for parents back then.
Looking for the perfect woman
Today, women are asked to excel in everything: being good mothers, keeping fit, working, taking care of the couple’s relationship, having a social life, perhaps taking care of elderly parents and at the same time offering their children every possible opportunity. Sports, languages, musical instruments, extracurricular activities, healthy eating, continuous emotional support. Added to this is the daily load of school and homework. In theory it is said that the child must be autonomous, but in practice parents often spend the afternoons convincing him, motivating him, helping him, avoiding crises and conflicts in order to “close the case”. It is continuous mental and emotional work, which especially weighs on mothers. This is why it becomes fundamental learn to set clear boundaries even with families of origin.
Being a mom: the importance of setting boundaries
Being open to discussion does not mean giving up one’s educational position. A grandmother or mother-in-law can also give sensible advice, but the final decision must rest with the parents. Saying “thank you, but I don’t want my child to drink cola or eat sweets” means exercising your role without aggression but firmly. In the most important conflicts It is essential that each partner manages their parents, avoiding leaving the other alone to defend family boundaries.
Learning to be a parent
It’s not true that “no one teaches us how to be parents”. There are books, courses, professionals, therapists and in-depth tools that allow us to better understand the needs of children and the consequences of certain educational behaviors. Many beliefs we have simply come from our personal history and from reactions to our childhood, but this is not enough to raise a child. For example, what is often called a “tantrum” is actually an expression of suffering or emotional difficulty. Even ideas such as “don’t pick him up too much” today are reinterpreted in the light of knowledge on attachment and abandonment anxiety. Study and inform yourself it serves not only to raise a child better, but also to defend oneself from the constant noise of external opinionsthose that often arrive from the “condominium meeting”, made up of grandmothers, aunts, mothers-in-law and various relatives. You need to build your own version of coherent and conscious parenting.
