CDear Ester, I love your answers. I hope you can have one for me too. My name is Sara, I’m 38 years old, I’ve had a partner for ten years and a seven-year-old child. My partner has never been the type to give compliments or great outbursts of affection; in fact, let’s say it made me suffer quite a bit. But, over time, we have found our balance and I know that, in his own way, he loves me. I’m writing to you because I need advice. Or maybe a wake up call. You see.
Work, tiredness, fragile balance
I work a lot, I do shift work, nights, tiredness and adrenaline. A job that has saved me many times from everything else. Lately, however, even there I have been experiencing days of anxiety and impatience.
When someone comes along who breaks the balance
Recently F., a 51 year old manager of mine, with whom I have always had an excellent relationship, has started writing and calling me. Every excuse was good to hear from, and at work every occasion seemed perfect to be together.
At first I put it back in its place. Then we started taking the same shifts, every day, and he always looked for me, got closer, found a way to be close to me. Until he kissed me. And I liked it.
The beginning and the void
From there we saw each other one morning outside of work and something happened. Then he disappeared: no messages, no calls. He left for a week with his family, he has two grown children with his ex and a small one with his current partner, without telling me anything. I had a terrible time there.
The return and the bond that is rekindled
When he returned to work I avoided him. He asked me why and I tried to explain it to him. But that same evening we were together. And then again, other evenings. And it was beautiful.
The wait that becomes everything
The problem is that he continues to keep me at a distance. He doesn’t write to me, he doesn’t call me, he doesn’t tell me anything.
And I end up just waiting for those stolen moments between one thing and another at work: to see him, to hear his voice, for a kiss in the elevator.
The question that remains unanswered
But I don’t understand why he changed with me. Because there is never a “how are you?”, a “what are you doing?”, nothing at all.
I tried talking to him and do you know what he replied? “Sara, we’ll find a way to talk about it.” And then that’s it. Silence again.
So I ask myself: did he just want to satisfy a whim?
I don’t want to seem pressured to him, so I keep everything inside and am content with this nothing. But I feel bad about it. I just want to understand why.
Give me a wake up call, please.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear S.,
Is there anything more beautiful than new and unattainable things? Impossible.
What could surpass them? Nothing like non-everyday loves. Long distance, extra loves, we-can-see-each-other-only-on-Saturday-now-I-can’t-turn-off-the-phone-loves. The loves that are three of you, sometimes four of you.
Scarcity serves to infinitely multiply the value of something, even if it were – as it often is – a rubbish.
The irresistible charm of difficult things: cwho doesn’t fall for it (and who does)
Are there smarter and more resolved people? Those who don’t fall for it? Yes.
Those immune to the disease are the lucky ones who saw sentimental scams in the face with their first long-distance love.
The truth about wrong loves
To those who are in the same situation as you, you shouldn’t say “everything will be bad”.
It’s not said. This does not mean that the scoundrel cannot be redeemed. It doesn’t mean that an undecided person won’t make up his mind. That doesn’t mean he won’t leave his wife. It’s possible.
The myth of the conquest
A certain strategic insistence can produce results. I see those who succeed all the time. But you have to ask for advice from the few who ended well.
The price of victory
When you win this game, you don’t find happiness. You find a surprise: “unfortunately you’re an idiot”.
The illusions that hold everything together
Those who resist:
- they don’t ask how long it takes
- they think that difficult love is the real one
- they believe that suffering helps
The reality that comes later
If they love you in their own way, that’s fine with them.
But then life is yours.
And the moment comes when you ask yourself:
“And now what do you want?”
The end (when it comes)
The end of certain imbecile loves lasts less than a minute.
The day before obsession.
The next day nothing.
A small miracle.
