Dorcas had been with a narcissist for years: ‘He acted very normal and nice to our environment’ | Healthy

“Shortly after the wedding, my partner turned into a different person. He had little empathy and could not put himself in my place,” says Dorcas van der Smissen, who broke up with her narcissistic partner after fifteen years. “My ex was always very normal and nice to our environment. Even his parents didn’t notice.”

Dorcas couldn’t do anything right in the eyes of her partner. “If I had cooked the potatoes wrong, he could get angry, he often became physically aggressive. That unpredictability was driving me crazy. I was so far from myself. At a certain point you find yourself in such a negative spiral that you no longer know how to get out. Even our kids wanted me to cut off their relationship with their father.”

Narcissism is a personality disorder. At first glance, a narcissist seems very charming, articulate, and sociable. They often look well-groomed, have a smooth chat, a lot of self-confidence and make you feel important. A narcissist will go to great lengths to catch you, but once he or she has you, their true nature comes out,” says Alice Vlottes. Vlottes works as a psychologist and narcissism expert.

Narcissists are two-faced, cannot take criticism, get angry at everything and can become very aggressive, both verbally and physically. They have little empathy, but rationally they know exactly how to win over you.”

This often has a major negative impact on their partner’s self-confidence. Depression, gloom, anxiety and isolation lurk. The danger of narcissists is that their behavior manifests itself very gradually. “They are sophisticated, the first year you may not even realize that your partner is a narcissist.”

Vlottes is clear and explains that a relationship with a narcissist will not work out and that narcissism is actually untreatable. “Narcissists simply often feel way too good to go to therapy, there is nothing wrong with them. So I mainly treat partners of.”

Breaking up a relationship is often the best solution, but it is not easy. As a partner you want to keep a relationship fun and livable. “Equality is important for any relationship. Realize that you can never build an equal relationship with a narcissist. They are addicted to attention and power, have a big ego but no empathy and will always put themselves in the center. Narcissists simply do not see what they are doing wrong. By the way, they themselves move very easily from one relationship to another.”

“Don’t look out for your own right, because you won’t get that anyway and will only cause discussions. Don’t expect much from your partner, because it doesn’t get any better.” She adds that it is very important to live your own life. “A narcissist may want to isolate you from your friends and family and that is why it is important that you can find emotional support from those around you. Do things that make you feel good and try to maintain your confidence and dignity.”

If you’re in a relationship, enjoy the fun things you do together, like dinner parties and vacations. “If you ever want to criticize, pack it as a compliment. Let them know where your limits are in a neutral way and don’t expect understanding. Nevertheless, a narcissist will probably do little with this message, which makes it so incredibly complex.”

What does van der Smissen think of the advice? Van der Smissen is now many years further and she has a nice and sweet new partner. “I hope that others recognize their narcissistic partner’s behavior and that it helps them raise the alarm sooner. It is also important that more attention is paid to the impact of narcissism on children.”

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