Yvonne Coldeweijer is being tackled very hard by Reality FBI, the juice channel that jumped into her ass when she hung up her juicers. “It is above all very sad!”, it sounds.
Yvonne Coldeweijer’s juice pension meant good news for Reality FBI, because it quickly emerged as the most important juice channel in our country. Now Yvonne is back, but her current juice channel is a pale imitation of what it was before, according to Reality FBI. In other words: it’s quite a mess in juiceland.
Very sad
Reality FBI is harsh in its assessment. And while the channel was initially enthusiastic about her return: “Haha, honestly? I can enjoy this. This soft landscape could use some shake-up. The showbiz sections on television have become much too lax and too nice again. Good to put things on edge.”
Now it judges channel: “Someone recently asked me what I think of the big return of Yvonne Coldeweijer. Well, sit down for a moment. Three weeks ago she crawled out of her digital hibernation. It is now high time to take stock. Spoiler alert: it is above all very sad, while this channel wished her the best.”
Temu version
The new Yvonne is nothing to look at, according to Reality FBI. “What is immediately noticeable: Yvonne is trying desperately to be a kind of Temu version of Angela de Jong. Instead of juice, she now serves us an endless stream of irrelevant, unsolicited opinions and life advice.”
“She pretends to be an online psychologist, and with a CV that she polishes quite creatively, à la Nathalie van Berkel. A few times accidentally walking into the wrong lecture room does not make you an expert in the human psyche, Yv.”
Forced
Reality FBI is sickened by this. “The most comical thing is the forced attempt to fake a community. ‘Let’s all make a prediction,’ she shouts cheerfully about the participants of Winter Vol Liefde. She tries to portray a very nice ‘we’ feeling, but we all know how that works.”
How? “Nice to send from the monkey rock, but what if you want to say something back. Then in nine out of ten cases you will run into a wall of blocked DMs or ignored messages. Send? Please. Receive? Go ahead.”
Boring juice
It’s a good thing that Yvonne’s Net5 show was cancelled, the channel said. “On her return, she proudly announced that she was going to do exactly on Insta what she was actually going to do on TV with her canceled program De Juice.”
“Well, if this sleep-inducing content was actually the aim of that format, then I completely understand why Talpa (or whoever) pulled the plug on time. Someone had a very progressive insight there.”
Eulogy
The Yvonne 2.0 is just boring, concludes Reality FBI. “The tone, the intonation… it’s not vibrant entertainment, it sounds more like a eulogy. You know, that text you read when you finally say goodbye to someone.”
“You scroll past it, but you actually just want to press fast forward. She is simply finished, and that is how she behaves. It is clear that this whole uninspired circus is only for one thing: to create a desperate showcase for those dresses, which she would otherwise not lose on the paving stones.”
