THEn a society obsessed with youth, grow old – you have to admit it – It’s something that’s often scary. The passing years are seen (and lived) by many as an inexorable ‘minus’: from this perspective, growing old means become less attractive, less productive, less inclined to change…
What would happen instead if we succeeded to change perspective and consider advancing age not as a condemnation but as the more precious than privileges? To reveal it, in his new book, ‘Rebellious joy. Mindfulness and the art of aging (Enrico Damiani Editore), is Nicoletta Cinottipsychologist, psychotherapist and mindfulness expert.
In the volume, which is not intended to be an anti-aging manual but a guide to fully embrace every phase of existencebetween food for thought and personal stories, Nicoletta Cinotti introduces the concept of mindful agingunderlining how mindfulness can offer a precious help also to make peace with the passing years.
The cover of the book ‘Rebel joy – Mindfulness and the art of growing old’ by Nicoletta Cinotti (Enrico Damiani Editore)
Mindful aging: what it is
«Mindful aging essentially means “fullness of age”. It is not a program for aging “well” by someone else’s standards. It’s not the glossy version of ‘successful aging’ – that idea that if you do enough yoga, eat enough seeds and keep your skin smooth enough, aging won’t affect you,” he explains. “THEMindful aging is something more honest. It’s there conscious choice to stay within your age – whole, with losses and gains – without denying and without resigning. It’s the exact point between those who say “age is just a number” (denying real losses) and who says “it’s all over” (denying real possibilities).”
Fear of growing old: help from mindfulness
«In practice it is bringing mindfulness – moment-to-moment awareness, without judgment – into the aging process», continues the psychotherapist. «It means observe how the body changes without fighting it. Note what stereotypes have we absorbed without being victims of them. Choose carefully where to invest the time we have, because we know it is precious. I have been meditating for forty years and started publishing at fifty-nine. Before, I wrote but didn’t publish because I never did well enough. Then I started telling myself “If not now, when?” And the result is fourteen books in 8 years: Mindful aging is discovering that creativity has no expiration date, that it can flourish when you stop asking for permission. What I call “rebel joy” – a joy that is not despite age, but that it arises precisely from the awareness of time. A joy that has the consistency of life lived, not the lightness of denial.”
Fear of growing old: the stereotypes that ‘weigh’
The first lesson of mindful aging? Recognize that the real enemy is not the passing of time but negative stereotypes about aging. «There are three that I find particularly insidious because we have internalized them to the point that we no longer recognize them as stereotypes – we mistake them for truth», explains Nicoletta Cinotti. «The first is the idea that after a certain age it’s “all downhill”. That life has a peak and then a decline. It is an ideology, not a fact. It is a relatively recent cultural construction, emerging with industrialization and the obsession with productivity. If you are worth what you produce, growing old automatically becomes a failure. The second it is the stereotype of invisibility, which affects women particularly violently. After the age of fifty you begin to notice that shop assistants turn first to the younger person next to you, that colleagues explain to you technologies that you have been using for years, that receive compliments “for your age” – which imply you should be worse off. I’m not evil: they are everyday ageism, so normalized that it seems like kindness».
Internalized ageism
The most dangerous stereotype is in fact internalized ageism. «It’s what makes us say “by now” – It’s late now, it doesn’t make sense, I’m old now» underlines the psychotherapist. «Becca Levy’s research at Yale has shown that Negative stereotypes about aging shorten life by 7 and a half years. It’s not a metaphor: it’s a clinical fact. Seven and a half years, the equivalent of the impact of a serious illness. The beliefs we have about aging become self-fulfilling prophecies: who yes he feels “old” he moves less, he cares less, he risks less. And he ends up proving the stereotype right. The good news is that the opposite is also true: those who have a positive attitude towards aging live longer and more fully. Not out of naive optimism, but because it stops limiting itself.”
The (positive) paradox of aging
How to cultivate a positive attitude and therefore overcome the fear of growing old? First of all by recognizing that every season of life can have positive sides. A precious gift of the passing years, for example, «is the freedom of no longer having to prove anything to anyone. And the clarity that follows», explains Nicoletta Cinotti. «Laura Carstensen’s research at Stanford discovered something surprising: the so-called “aging paradox”. Despite the objective losses – physical, social, sometimes cognitive – emotional well-being tends to increase with age. Older people experience fewer negative emotions, they look at the past with more positivity, and above all they naturally become more selective in what matters. This happens because when we feel that time is not infinite, we stop wasting it. We become better at distinguishing the essential from the background noise. We choose relationships with more care: fewer superficial friendships, more authentic intimacy. That’s what researchers call it “socioemotional selectivity”: it’s not isolation, it’s conscious pruning. Like a gardener who cuts dry branches so that the living ones can flourish better.”
It’s not about having all the answers, but about changing the questions
«But the greatest gift of age, for me, is something more subtle» – continues the expert. «It’s the courage not to know. After decades of experience, we might think we should have all the answers. Instead, the true wisdom of maturity is discovering that the questions have changed. Not anymore “How do I succeed?” but “What does success mean to me?”. Not anymore “Am I good enough?” but “Is this really my path?”. It’s a very different kind of not-knowing than that of your twenties. It is a rich, informed non-knowledge, full of possibilities yet to be explored.”
Midlife crisis? Better to talk about ‘awakening’
From this perspective, also what we usually call ‘mid-life crisis’, hides precious implications.
«We call it a crisis just because we are afraid of change. It’s actually one re-evaluation phase, and I prefer to use this word”, explains the psychotherapist. «The term “midlife crisis” was born in 1965 from the reflections of the psychoanalyst Elliott Jaques, who was only thirty-five years old at the time. It has entered common language to describe that moment, perhaps around the age of fifty, when you begin to reconsider the things done and those that remain to be achieved. But if we remove the word “crisis” and add “revaluation”, everything changes. It’s no longer a collapse, it’s an awakening. At some point you feel a very strong internal push. The questions you had put aside become urgent: Where are they? Where am I going? Where have I been so far? These are simple, almost banal questions. But they go together to an energy of ripe possibility, less explosive but more aware, less frenetic but more profound.”
The body knows before the mind
In the book, Nicoletta Cinotti talks about having tried it on her own skin the extraordinary power of this midlife ‘awakening’ «For me, around the age of fifty these questions were extremely strong. They led me to make significant professional choices: I began to bring meditation into the psychotherapy room, something I had never done despite having meditated for thirty years. I opened a blog. I started writing. At fifty-nine I published my first book. Now I can say that that was not a crisis: it was a birth“, explains. «And the body knows it before the mind. The body at this age asks to be listened to rather than pushed, respected rather than controlled, celebrated rather than hidden. We are not going through a crisis, we are going through a birth. Because being born only once is not enough.”
Fear of growing old: practices to try
In addition to making a series of guided meditations available, Nicoletta Cinotti suggests in the book practices that can help in the process of accepting the passing of time. Such as, the temporal gratitude journal.
It is a daily exercise that helps cultivate a balanced relationship with time through conscious gratitude. It will be enough write, every day, in three separate columns – representing past, present and future – three elements of each time dimension for which you are grateful: three memories or experiences from the past; three realities of the present moment and three future possibilities. Every Sunday, rereading the week’s notes, you can ask yourself: What recurring themes do I notice in my gratitude? How is my relationship with time changing? Which temporal dimension (past, present, future) have I overlooked this week?
The inventory of wisdom
Pen and paper can also prove to be valuable tools for filling out a personal and precious ‘inventory’ of wisdom. How to do it? On a sheet, you can create three columns with these titles:
- What I know about my body
- What I know about my relationships
- What do I know about my values
For each column, you must then complete this sentence: «Today I know about myself………….., which I didn’t know ten years ago»
The advice is to try to write without censoring yourself. Including both the joyful discoveries and the difficult ones. «Every insight is a treasure of your experience. When you’re done, reread the list with the same amazement with which you would look at the family jewels: this is your legacy of wisdom, unique and precious” – suggests Nicoletta Cinotti.
