‘Sand if you want, you can!’ Raise your hand if you’ve never heard this addressed This self-help reminderto be encouraged to follow your desires or to rediscover the strength to move forward a moment of stalemate. It’s a shame, however, that behind this, like other very widespread ones motivational mantras, they hide in very often real realities psychological traps. False myths that, not just not they help growth and personal improvementbut they even risk negatively influencing mental well-being, generating disappointment and demotivation.
To address the topic in a scientific way in the new podcast entitled ‘Let’s stay smart – The science of human interactions‘ (outgoing on Audible.it next February 6) is Paolo Borzacchiello, popularizer, among the leading Italian experts of linguistic intelligence. Already the author of numerous best sellers and successful podcasts, in this new Audible Original Book, Borzacchiello guides listeners to discover the science underlying relationships, communications and perceptions. With his usual simple and engaging language and referring to the most important studies conducted in the field neuroscience and psychologyinvites to find out how the brain really worksso that each of us – he clarifies – “can learn to use it without being used by it”. An essential aspect, this, also to avoid falling into those self-help traps that harm rather than help.
Self-help myths
«The world of personal growth is still too steeped in false myths that they risk create incredible disappointments for us, to make us give up on pursuing our results and to demotivate us forever”, explains Borzacchiello in the chapter of the podcast entitled The science of improvement. «Know how things really are when it comes to personal growth it’s the first step to getting exactly what we want.”
The most common (and harmful) self-help mantra? Paolo Borsacchiello illustrates 15 of them. We have chosen 5: here they are…
1. Think positive!
«It definitely is one of the most harmful myths for human beings because it violates the way our brain works”, explains Paolo Borzacchiello. «In fact, the brain is programmed to think about things mainly in negative terms, because evolutionarily speaking, expecting the worst is more functional for survival». Not only that. The myth of thinking positive at all costs actually hides pitfalls that the author clearly illustrates in the podcast. Clinical research confirm, for example, like repressing negative emotions in the name of forced optimism, not only does it not improve well-being but increases stress and physical symptoms. The problem of all-out positivity it is in fact twofold: on the one hand denies the validity of emotions such as anger, sadness or fearwhich instead have precise evolutionary functions, on the other isolate those who suffer. Why think you always have to be positive, leads to feeling guilty twice when you feel bad: for the pain and for feeling it. The studies of Gabriele Oettingenpsychologist from New York University, have highlighted another interesting aspect: those who limit themselves to visualizing positive scenarios, without considering the real difficulties, tends to put in less effort, procrastinate and perform worse. Why does this happen? «Because the brain, already seeing success, releases dopamine and serotonin and loses the motivation to act», clarifies Borzacchiello.
Emotional variety is better
A concept that should instead be rediscovered is that of emodiversityaccording to which people who they experience and accept a wide range of positive and negative emotions they tend to have better mental and physical health. Why it is the emotional variety it is not constant positivity that predicts resilience. “The next time you hear yourself say think positively,” he suggests the author, «smile, say thank you and then go get yourself done an honest inventory of what could go wrong: this is how the brain really prepares itself. Maintaining enough light to see the road but also enough shade to see the holes.”
2. Wanting is power
Even in front to the timeless ‘if you want, you can’, better to stop and think.
«A poisonous false myth», underlines Borzacchiello, «because it implicitly suggests that, if you can’t do it, it’s because you didn’t put enough willpower into it. In reality though willpower is a limited resource, not an inexhaustible superpower and can work well as a spark but certainly not as fuel for a long journey.” CIt’s also an underestimated psychological risk: believing that willpower is enough can lead to ignoring structural factors, such as skills, support networks, access to resources. «If you fail, instead of correcting the system, you think the problem is not having enough grit and end up in a cycle of self-blame.”
The realistic advice? «Use willpower to get startedbut then build habits, systems and contexts that keep people going even on days when there is zero determination”, comments Borzacchiello.
3. It takes 21 days to change a habit
Another widespread false myth, especially on social media but not only, is that according to which 21 days would be enough to change a habit (to quit smoking, to learn to train, etc.). «It leverages on our ancestral need for ‘everything immediately without effort’ but the brain doesn’t work like that”, warns the author. Where does this simplification originate? From a plastic surgeon – says Borzacchiello – who in the fifties he noticed that his patients took an average of three weeks to get used to their new appearance after an operation. From then on, through decades of citations, iThe myth of the three weeks has become a dogma. However, science says something else: a study by University College London has shown, for example, that, to establish new habits, such as drinking more water or doing sports, are useful on average at least 66 days. With enormous variations, so much so that some habits have to be acquired they also require more than eight months.
The advice? Better to avoid counting the elusive 21 days on the calendar, «e instead cultivate time, patience and above all intelligent planning» suggests Borzacchiello.
4. Follow your passion!
Another great classic that risks generating deleterious effects, especially in the professional sphere, is the one that invites to follow their passions and that, in the wake of the famous maxim ‘Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’, it risks harming much more than you think. «The problem is that this vision is so sugar-coated to be unrealistic and worse still harmful» warns Borzacchiello. «In the meantime, science tells us that passion is not a diamond in the rough just waiting to be found, it is often a product of experience. Robert Vallerand, psychologist among the greatest motivation experts, distinguishes two types of passion: harmonious passionwhich arises when an activity is important to you but remains under your control, so it nourishes you without devouring you. AND obsessive passionwhen the activity becomes a kind of identity obligation: you no longer do it for pleasure but for fear of being nothing without it. The narrativefollow your passion‘ often pushes towards the second: it makes you feel that if you don’t love every single minute of your job you’re going the wrong way. The result? People who they jump from project to project in search of true passionalways feeling at fault.”
The healthiest approach
In this regard, Borzacchiello also cites a study which demonstrated how land people who believe in innate and predefined passions tend to give up more easily when they encounter difficulties, compared to those who see passion as something that is cultivated. «This is because, yesand you think that passion must be immediate and constant, every moment of boredom or frustration could be a sign that it’s not your path.” A healthier approach? «Instead of ‘follow your passion‘, trial ‘cultivate skills in something that interests you and has value for others’»- suggests the author.
5. Time heals all wounds
Even behind what it might seem a simple comforting phrasethere is a dangerous hoax hidden – reveals Borzacchiello. “As if time were an automatic anesthetic which alone repairs any emotional damage. Too bad that clinical psychology and neuroscience say something very different: time alone doesn’t cure anything, it’s what you do in that time that can make the difference. UTrauma or unprocessed emotional pain does not resolve, it settles. A study by the University of Amsterdam showed, for example, that traumatic memory if not addressed with cognitive processing or therapeutic interventions, it remains active in the brain and can continue to influence emotions and behaviors even after decades. It doesn’t pass, it hides and acts as a background.”
We need to rework
Then there is a risk that should not be underestimated. «Cbelieve that time heals everything, it can lead you to not seek help, to put off processing, to tolerate chronic pain thinking that sooner or later it will pass” – invites the author to reflect. This can transform an acute wound into one that becomes part of the identity. The most useful truth? “THETime can help if within that time you build experiences that reactivate the circuit of trust, hope and self-efficacy. It may mean doing therapy, changing context, cultivating healthy relationships and learning new skills… ».
In short, before blindly relying on the great self-help classics, it is better (and healthier) to learn to think about it.
