Rfinding yourself single at forty or older with a thought stuck in my head: “Why can’t I find my soul mate?”. A condition common to a growing group of men and women who, now surrounded by married peers, don’t know whether to feel wrong, not up to par or simply unfortunate victims of relationships that aren’t worth it.
But if any of them today are looking for the magic formula to fall in love with the ideal person, the psychotherapist Valeria Locati brings him back down to earth: «There are no precise rules for finding a suitable partner for us. And rather than worrying about why no story has worked so far, we need to learn to ask ourselves the right questions, like: how do I feel? How was I when I chose to date that person? Maybe I got engaged because I was afraid of being alone? If I hadn’t been in a relationship, would everyone have thought badly of me, that I’m not well or unlovable? Did I choose that partner because he makes me feel undeserving of trust like my parents made me feel?”
Why am I single?
Look inside, question yourself and work on yourself, therefore, they are the first move to make to understand the usual patterns we use with others, in order to free ourselves from the usual script and build different perspectives. «In a relationship there are two of you and an exchange inevitably takes placeit is not worth pointing the finger only at the other” underlines Locati, knowing that it is not easy to escape from the victim-culprit logic. «Questioning why we are alone means starting from the experiences we had in the first years of life and which shaped our identity through family interactions and comparison with peers, and coming to terms with them».
At one time the goal was to start a family
Our experiences, the care and attention we have received determine our ability to love and let ourselves be loved, as these are not innate abilities. Before, however, giving an account of the internal dynamics that prevent the two sexes from finding love, must be considered Also the impact that the cultural models proposed by the narcissistic society we live in have on personal expectations.
The other represents an opportunity for growth and cannot replace our ability to appreciate and love ourselves (Photo: Ozgur Albayrak).
«Once upon a time, the goal was to start a family. Today, on the contrary, successespecially for men but increasingly also for women, revolves around self-realization, independence and self-promotion via social mediaall objectives that encourage a hyper individualism incompatible with the context of the couple, which on the contrary requires reciprocity and emotional balance, and therefore the ability to connect with one’s own fragility and that of the other person” highlights the psychotherapist Massimo Giustiauthor of several essays, including How love works when it works (Mondadori) on the foundations necessary for a healthy relationship.
“Two hearts and a hut”
In this context, the expert points out, «love continues to be sold in the formula “two hearts and a hut”that is, in the same way as a romantic project that implies neither sacrifices, nor responsibilities, nor the effort to cultivate an us different from the ego, so that at the first difficulties we tend to run away.” What does the man who never lets go, who throws away ties, hide? because he thinks that the partner is at fault, which is found alone or in a perennial situationship (a relationship without commitment or future) over 40? «Behind there is a lack of tools to be in a deep relationship which can derive from low self-esteem, the fear of suffering and not perceiving oneself worthy of love.
Sensations present in those who were childrenfor example, is He was seen and recognized only when he was capable of achieving great results and fulfilled the wishes of the caring figures, not receiving listening and comfort in times of need. With the result that, as an adult, hardships and defeats at work become a valid reason to leave, so as not to appear weak and be rejected” observes Giusti.
Emotional barriers that boycott the relationship
But the cause of repeated breakups could also be the unconscious reiteration of the parental model. «For a man who doesn’t commit, being next to another person means emotional distance, disappearances, conflicts, just like mom and dad did between them and with him. In these cases we speak of one avoidant attachment stylein which the woman, more inclined to dialogue, is experienced as suffocating and this leads to abandoning the relationship.”
The emotional barriers that push people to boycott more serious relationships, Giusti warns, “are much more widespread than one imagines, even among women.” With some specifics. «Often in women who cannot find a partner there is resignation» takes up the psychotherapist Locati, who in the book Distance heals (Mondadori) addressed the need to emancipate oneself from family conditioning in order to evolve and choose a partner without suffering it. «She is convinced that every story goes badly, she says “men are made like that and you can’t change them”, in an attempt to actually protect herself from disappointments and pain, devaluing her ability to be in relationship with others». Then there is a taboo in the female universe which concerns, explains Locati, “excessive alarmism against attitudes confused with narcissism”.
Personality disorder
By raising awareness of the importance of recognizing the signs of this personality disorder to get out of destructive relationships, what happens in practice is that «at the first occasion in which the other person does not meet our expectations we become alert – clarifies the psychotherapist – fearing being betrayed and left, without doubting what we feel and asking ourselves what makes that behavior resonate in us. If, for example, the other person doesn’t spend the entire weekend with me and takes a break to play five-a-side football with friends, perhaps he or she is just expressing a need for autonomy and the feeling of neglect it arouses may be linked to a need for care that was not fully satisfied in childhood.”
How to escape the anguish of remaining single?
«It’s a trap to think that you have to have someone by your side to be valuable and lovable. The other represents an opportunity for growth and cannot replace our ability to appreciate ourselves and loving each other reminds us of Locati -. To meet interesting people we have to leave the house and do the things that we like, that are nourishing for us and then let life happen.” But there are people who, after a course of psychotherapy, are now at peace with themselves and would never give up their spaces of solitude.
Strange? Not at all! «If you learn to feel good about yourself – reassures Locati – you can also experience the relationship in a different way from the traditional one, deciding to share some experiences together, for example staying in two different houses and not thinking of yourself everywhere together».