I was 26 when my boyfriend and I looked at each other and decided, ‘Now is the time, we’re going to try to have a baby.’ My boyfriend had just gotten a permanent contract and we had bought a pretty perfect place in the capital. With an extra room, which we playfully called the ‘study’, but which we both hoped would soon have a crib and changing table.
Provided it was given to us of course, but unfortunately – as we now know – that is not the case… We have gone through the entire medical merry-go-round. I felt like a pincushion. Hospital in, hospital out. And those hormones just rage through my body. Each time we had new hope: ‘Is it really possible after all?’ But no. We are not allowed to do it.
I am now 37 and after more than ten years I have resigned myself to the fact that it will not happen again. My now husband has also given up hope. The harsh reality is that I will never experience what it is like to be pregnant. To give birth. To breastfeed. To hold our child.
Pregnant
My very best friend has been with me through every bend and bump on that road. She accompanied me to doctor’s appointments, was ready with a pack of cookies when I had a ‘treatment’ and texted my guy to encourage him too.
She had never had a huge desire to have children and I was completely shocked when she called me with ‘joyful news’. “I’m pregnant,” she said somewhat reluctantly, knowing about my infertility. I wanted so badly to be happy for her and her husband, I felt that I had to, that that was appropriate… But I couldn’t do it. Every fiber in my body screamed sadness. I was just able to squeak out a congratulations before quickly disconnecting the connection; I had to catch my breath.
‘Should I tell you I’m pregnant?’
To cry
Months passed. She kept reaching out, kept asking how we were doing, asking me to go to ultrasound scans (“You’re one of them!”)… But every message and phone call stung, stung, chafed. Her due date approached and passed.
And then suddenly the message I had ‘feared’ sounded: Dear darling, this morning our son was born at 5:32 am. We are so happy that he is finally here! Will you come and cuddle soon? I cried uncontrollably and then texted her back: Of course I will come for a maternity visit as soon as possible! But so far I’ve still managed to postpone it.
‘I was relieved when it turned out to be a miscarriage…’
But she won’t be able to postpone for much longer because her son is already 3 months old. During the first few weeks, my girlfriend sent photos and videos every day – which I quickly replied with a heart – and text messages asking when I would finally come over. There has been radio silence between us for a while now. I feel like an egoist, what kind of best friend am I? Wasn’t she also there for me in adversity? Why can’t I be there for her in prosperity? But I simply can’t… It hurts so much!
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