“This is the way to Toxic Femininity️ #mannen hatred #manshaing do a little or every man is harm! ”
“I don’t go aside for someone else. I don’t do with men either. Equal rights.”
“We are equal and want to be treated immediately: Tackle us with silk gloves because we are afraid in the dark.”
It is a selection of the reactions under one Instagram post In which women explain how to give them a safer feeling on the street (such as crossing when you walk behind a woman), following the murder of 17-year-old Lisa from Abcoude, last week. Some of the reactions consists of women who share extra tips or worries, another part of men who express their appreciation for the tips. In addition, there is a group of men who do not see why they would adjust their behavior. “Are you wrong that you can’t cross yourself?”
What does a crime do if the murder of Lisa and the subsequent media storm with society? NRC Speaked with women, men and experts about their concerns, about awareness and about alienation.
‘I claim the night’
A few days after the murder of Lisa, writer and actress Nienke ‘s Gravemade posted one poem On Instagram. The poem went viral, and especially the sentence ‘I demand the night’ got its own life. It resulted in the campaign ‘We demand the night’initiated by Campagnestrateg Danique de Jong. Part of the campaign was a collection of money, within a week the counter was half a million euros. Virtually nothing has been spent on that: companies offered the message of the campaign to advertise free of charge throughout the country. In the coming period, the organization, together with experts, will make a “concrete plan for the use of the money”, De Jong writes on LinkedIn.
The campaign along a highway in St. Willebrord.
Apart from the campaign, women on social media massively share their own experiences – with therefore varying reactions from men. The 23-year-old Wesley also wrote on Instagram that all men are now being shaved together. On the street he always says ‘neat hi’ to passers -by, including women, he tells NRC via Instagram. “With a small smile so that they hopefully see that there are no bad intentions.”
But he doesn’t really know if that is the right approach. “I often read on social media that women even see that as threatening, or that a sweetheart is already wrong. As a man it is difficult to estimate how to behave when you meet a woman.” He does emphasize that there is nothing compared to the fear that women live with. Because of the “sensitive subject”, Wesley does not want to be in the newspaper with his last name: “I am still young and I don’t know if I always express things well.”
Alienation
In addition to raising awareness, is the risk of alienation of a group that already has difficulty with changing gender patterns in addition to awareness? Yes, and that is not bad at all, says professor of cognitive psychology at Leiden University Mariska Crete, who is conducting research into gender Bias. “Young boys who are already uncertain and do not know what to do with their masculinity can become even more uncertain. But there is also a group with whom this can be the deciding factor that change is needed.”
Crete mentions the example of Zwarte Piet: “When that discussion erupted, there were also a lot of people who saw something threatening in it and fierce change. But in the end most people realized that that change was needed. So a counter -reaction does not have to stand in the way of progress.”
“Suddenly adopted ideas about male characteristics are challenged,” says philosopher Gwendolyn Bolderink, who promotes sexual objectification at Leiden University. “Then you get resistance, just look at the popularity of for example [influencer] Andrew Tate. ”
According to her, the fact that women now share their experiences and keep men responsible for safety does not mean that all men are thrown together. “Of course not all men are rapists. But all forms of objectification – catcalling [naroepen]dressing room jokes, glances along your body – come from the same system in which the woman is less entitled to the public space. Fortunately, most men do not take the step towards extreme acts, but all those layers have to get out. “
It is not that bad that the man also learns to adapt
That requires an adjustment, says Crete. “But hopefully men now become more aware of the fact that we women are already constantly adapting: in our clothing, our behavior, our cycling routes, our evening plans. It is not so bad that the man also learns to adapt.”
Daily routine
That is what the 26-year-old Aisha Ajubi says. When she is outside the door, she always lets someone know where she is and what she is going to do. In the dark on the street? Key between the knuckles. In the club or the pub? Always cover a drink. Only home? Then she makes the entire route with her boyfriend or a friend. “If I tell men that, they think that is really Leip. For me it is my daily routine, an automatism: I don’t even think about it anymore.”
Anne Grefkens (30) even moved from a suburb to the center of Tilburg to feel safer. “I have been chased so often that I was really looking back home during a night out. If I felt that the evening was coming, I became restless.” She beats her pretty much, she says: “If I feel unsafe, I automatically go in the fighting mode. But that makes me more frightened for incidents, because if I get up for myself and that man gets angry, it can get more unsafe.”
Next to a cycle path in Rotterdam.
If Mabel Holkamp (28) talks to her male friends about the developments of last week, she notices that they “cannot link certain things to each other”. “They say: the murder of Lisa, recent femicides, women who are harassed: that is not all the same? But it is all the result of how men look at women.”
Holkamp hopes that all campaigns also lead to concrete action. “With that collected money, for example, they can make places safer that women now experience as unsafe. And then with a bit of quality. We have such good technology that we can look at Mars, but if you see some images of security cameras, I think: my doorbell has even sharper image.”
That kind of incidents are the reason that we as women are always in a certain state of alertness
Annemiek van Poppel (41), just like many other women, said in the NRC today podcast About a nasty experience in the train: a man sat close to her and started to satisfy himself. “That kind of incidents are the reason that we as women are always in a certain state of alertness.” It starts in our interaction with children, and the differences between boys and girls, says Van Poppel. “My son recently played with a girlfriend, and while cycling her dress went up a bit. Sexy belly, someone said. That’s how the relationships between boys and girls are already formed in the playground.”
‘Never aware’
The 45-year-old Thomas van Neerbos says that there is a lot between ‘being holy and perpetrator’. “There is a large gray area that I probably went on. Of course I have never consciously harassed women. But I will also have made a stupid joke, have made someone feel unsafe or have not said something of another behavior.” As a man, he thinks it is self -evident to hand in space for women’s safety. A curfew for men, he doesn’t think that is a bad idea, he wrote on LinkedIn. “Or that you can only go outside under the guidance of a woman. Then you turn it around, because now it is the woman who cannot safely go on the street safely in the evening,” he told NRC.
For women it is not safe at night and we apparently accepted that
There is a kind of new one Metoo-Movement needed, and it must come from men, says Van Neerbos. “At the time it was a lot about consent. I was single at the time and I remember that I thought: oh, that is quite difficult, that you have to ask permission for every step. In the meantime it has become a nice part of flirting and you also see it in films and series. Isn’t it also very exciting when someone says ‘yes’?” If a man takes a woman into account, for example, crossing the street to prevent you from walking behind her for a long time, he thinks.
‘We demand the night’ in a supermarket in Leiden.
Hans Michels (64) is one of the greatest donors of the campaign ‘We demand the night’. He has three daughters, all in the twenties and out of the house. “It was always awake at night until they came home. Because for women it is not safe at night and we apparently accepted that. My daughters live with them with that fear and I live with them. I wish I could do more.”
He has recently been on Tiktok, because one of his daughters is posting songs there, and was shocked by the world he saw there. “An extreme vision of masculinity of young people, with excesses such as Andrew Tate. That just keeps coming by. I don’t want to say that my generation is better, but the youth is the future, so I hope that the collection campaign can contribute to information through these types of channels.”
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