CIao Ester,
I try to go to the point immediately without too many preambles and psychoanalytic details that would not like to add the story. Last year in this period I start to like R., he is a customer of the place where I work, and within a few months I am part of his group of friends. Looks, smiles, jokes, more on my part than his, he is witty and nice with everyone (and all), but in any case he does not disdain, come out together, you can see that we flirt, I am pleased that the others also realize.
December arrives start to make him understand explicitly, He evidently appreciates but escapes, limits himself to being sweet and nice. One evening I confide to me with a friend of hers, now become mine too, on this interest of mine and she, basically, tells me “she was engaged 15 years with a friend of mine, they broke up 6 years ago, but it is a thing never really over, forget it”.
I unconsciously run, I will be to make him forget it.
We start writing, especially at night, messages become longer and longer, we are on the phone more and more, it becomes a fixed appointment.
In January, suddenly, it happens.
(I discover only after she has momentarily returned from abroad, where she lives, and she didn’t warn him. He was sick for her, and she hadn’t even told him that there was. Temporal coincidence, he yields with me). I have gone now.
After a few weeks they see each other several times, between them nothing happens, but he tells me that he needs time to think, that he is confused, that he is well with me, but that in a part of his heart there is always her and that perhaps there will always be. I make the mature person, the upper one, I tell him to understand what he wants.
She starts again – physically- and we start to see us again. We are fine, but it doesn’t let go. He tells me he feels he has the handbrake pulled, I mean that if he gave him up, then it would change everything. Don’t give it up. AND July, I get tired, I decide to leave for the summer season, a little to make it pass, I tell myself, but the truth is that I hope that my lack falls madly And you understand that I miss him and wants to be with me and that he could get lost and there is the grandiose ending on my return.
After two and a half months of silence I return, a few days ago, everything starts again. He tells me that when I wasn’t there, she came on vacation, they saw each other, the last night before she left they ended up in bed, but minimizes the fact.
Among us the messages start again, Great sex, he is very sweet, but I feel that there isn’t really. I avoid storming him with questions, but only why I think it is counterproductive, I take what is there.
For love of truth, I must say that It is not she who “obsessed” him, or that intrudes himself. From what I have understood, in these years, alternate periods in which they do not feel at all in periods in which they are looking for Data, it would seem that the end of their relationship has never been truly accepted by both sides, they do not get stuck but chase each other, they continue to discuss their history, they refer things, discuss, argue and send each other to fuck, but there are always One for the other, they tell themselves how life goes without one in the life of the other, they make fun of, joke).
She also went on with her life, moved for work, she is not physically here (but she will return, sooner or later).
(Ah, before me, there was another. He dragged that story for 4 years, although he never put together together, and then concluded that not, he was not in love with her. And he closed it definitively. It was something so, in short, perhaps to see how he went, or to distract himself, but the substance does not change).
The questions are now obvious. Will he ever pass him? If after 7 years they have left still they are like that, isn’t it that it is true love? Or, if after 7 years they chase each other, if there are no reason there will be, right? And if there is, why don’t they end it? I also had important stories in the past, I know what it means, but at a certain point I shot the page, because these two don’t?
I am the intrusive, or is it you who know of me should be aside? Why, since he doesn’t do it, don’t you leave him alone?
And if after 9 months he still hasn’t understood if it is worth throwing himself with me, will he ever come the time? The reason is her, or in any case, isn’t it in love and that’s it? Is he boycott his happiness or are they bullshit?
And if this moment arrive, will I still have to live with her ghost?
Help.
Ester Viola’s answer
Dear A.,
We make a nice review, because you don’t have to feel alone in the world with old problems and that are of anyone.
Remote relationships. How it should be. After a little time (well noted: little is measured in months), testing must be carried out: removal of the distance, luna in the routine. Daily bread is poisonous for the couple but it is necessary to understand, that’s where you know if love. “I don’t want to stay away from you” is the only elective affinity that survives, “we like motorcycles and books themselves” is only curriculum. As. The remote relationships end up preferring the distance. It is the type of love that does not evolve, turns out. He wins the first one who looks at one morning in the mirror and says “What am I doing?”, And there is no need to escape because you are already far away.
The right person?
How it should be. Meet the right person, it’s all easy. As. Meet the right person, at the beginning everything is easy. Then the beginning ends and the sequel makes you think, the only difference compared to the relationships of the past is that you do not leave. The great misunderstanding of love is finally clarified: the right person is not the one who does not do the wrong things (country of adulthood, welcome).
The former
How it should be. The former ideal is broadly with humble distance, he has redone a life (modest) elsewhere. As. The ex were those in office, useless to delude themselves that they were there by chance. They were important. The ex continue to be important. In short, they exist and sometimes they rage. The new decorated (you) do a reason.
We get to you
Former survival as ghosts in new relationships. Two ways exist not to suffer from it.
1) Being strong, casual spirits, experts in the things of the world. The brackets made have taught you the flexibility of the elastic. It is unlikely that something frightens. Or even if you scare you, you found a way to cross it. You move among the unpleasantness that every relationship always brings with it with an Olympic calm, you know that everything is relative, if it is not relative it is passenger, if it is not passenger it is ignorable. All fears have ended. And they ended because over the years you have consumed them, one by one, until they came to you. The obsessions, even those, have passed. Always for tiredness. Your favorite phrase of Philip Roth recites: a man must live independently of the barometer of happiness, if he does not want to fail.
It is later discovered that this attitude – which does not mature in the laboratory with any therapy, is only the glass card of existence – is the magic potion. The carelessness is the only annihilating fluid of ex.
2) If you are more delicate, younger spirits, you have to choose. Do you feel small and dominated, unable to equip themselves against these ex? Do you feel questioned, in implicit comparison? Do you feel in a lost race even without wanting to, always with the thoughts of these ex that become increasingly big, increasingly threatening? Is the need to control the other phone and ask questions about the old relationships is stronger than your strength?
In this other case we think about health and run away, towards people without ex.