NShe has only an orange dispenser of two sisters. Both want it and discuss for a long time on who he has the right to take it out. Then They divide the fruit in half. A good negotiation? Not at all. Both remain dissatisfied Of the result and it is a shame, because only afterwards they realize that one wanted the pulp to make a squeeze, while the other aimed only at the peel to prepare candied fruit. Here is the first – and most common – error that is made in a negotiation: do not clearly communicate needs and interests. A teaching that can be applied in every context, by great geopolitical negotiations, to the purchase of a house and disagreements with the partner.
The art of negotiation
The psychologists and psychotherapists explain Giorgio Nardone and Stefano Bartoli in The art of negotiation (Ponte alle Grazie) in which they illustrate some techniques that can transform conflicts into agreements. A fundamental ability, today more than ever, because the aggressive style to the Donald Trump influences times and sometimes forces the corners.
“Negotiation is fundamental in a context of individualism in which people struggle strenuously to try to be rightespecially on social media, where interactions can become conflicting and you have to know how to manage them “explains Bartoli, operational director of Strategic Therapy Center of Arezzo.
Aggression is like a river
And when you face a domineering – whether it is the head of the staff or the bank manager – you can Apply the Chinese strategy of the Yellow River. “The worst thing in the face of a similar person is to feed his aggression with other aggression, it is like putting petrol on the fire -continues Bartoli -. Instead we should be welcoming. Be careful, don’t submit, but listen to. When a river floods, if we build arguments the water with its strength breaks them, but if we dig furrows we canal the energy that at that point is no longer destructive and we can also orient it as we want ».
How to do it? Using, for example, the paraphrase, a powerful tool to instract the counterparty in the direction most propitious to us. Bartoli gives the example of a manager who does not trust to delegate to a collaborator, rightly frustrated. The subordinate could summarize the position of the boss like this: “I correct me if I am wrong, but do you say that I am not ready yet and therefore decides to struggle the double also performing my duties?”. Thus reformulated the question, the superior could change his mind.
Get collaboration
But there is another Error that almost always prevents a satisfactory agreement: it is necessarily looking for a culprit instead of a solution. “The current situation between Israel and Palestine is a tragic example -underlines Bartoli -. The two counterparties compete to blame themselves. With due differences, The same dynamic is often observed in the quarrels between spouses». Here comes the second fundamental rule of negotiations: get into the other’s shoes and see its point of view.
Let’s take a common scene in all homes: a tired partner who asks the other to make a greater contribution to the chores and care work. «Usually you ask for help by emphasizing that the other is not giving us, so accusing. Those who receive the request feel attached and so he will have the impulse to defend themselves and will accuse in turn -observes the author -. How to ask then? With such a phrase: “It would be very important for me that you could help me to do this”. Avoid the accusation and expose the need. So the other will be more predisposed to provide it ».
Get the increase approved
Establishing a respectful dialogue and listening to requests are fundamental conditions also in real estate sales or to ask for an increase. “Reaching a compromise, how to do half with orange, is not negotiating»Punctualized to Io Donna Alessandra Colonna, entrepreneur, co-founder of Bridge Partnersnegotiating consultant and author of The negotiation manager (Mind Edizioni). «Unlike other forms of relationship, Negotiation should not present costs, but only benefits. It is essential to be able to give the other what is important for him but for us not and vice versa ».
We put we want to buy a house. The required price is 280 thousand euros, we offer 250 thousand and the other says no. «We relaunch a little, perhaps to 260, and then we advance proposals: we pay the notary expenses because we have a notary relative, or we can increase the advance, which for us is not a problem, or to accept longer delivery times as the owner would like, we are not in a hurry. All these conditions are called desired, they are a precious exchange commodity through which it is negotiated to obtain a result that satisfies all the parts ».
Same system to ask for more advantageous conditions at the time of hiring. «If they offer us a lower salary than we would like, we can put a refresher and training course on the negotiating dish, a level leap, the company car, a bonus for the home, smart working. The important thing is to arrive very prepared, not to be afraid to ask and remember that the negotiation really begins only when the other says “no”». The assumptions that would like a salary increase should rationally evaluate their results and successes and proceed only if they think they really deserve it, recommend Bartoli, and not because I have been in the company for a long time: «We have a wider speech at their superior, We ask for an increase but also to plan professional growth togetherasking for help and advice on how to improve your performance. In this way, the head participates and the request under the form of creating a path is formulated ».
In negotiation, learn to ask
Studies on the subject show that Women are very skilled to negotiateespecially among them, and get better results than men. “This is because males often adopt a more aggressive approachin Io-Vincco/Tu-Perdi, which can make many opportunities blend to create good results for both sides. Women tend to adopt a more collaborative approach, listening to each other and asking many questions»He explains to us from Massachusetts Sara Lascaver, an authority in the field in negotiation and gender studies, author, together with Linda Babcock, of Women Don’t Ask (Women do not ask).
The downside is that women tend to ask less «Because if they assert their reasons, they violate a social rule, which wants them more submissive. And whoever asks exactly what he needs are perceived as one that defeat. This is never said of men ».
Other barriers brake women in negotiations: «They receive less favorable performance assessments, even if their work has the same quality as that of male colleagues, they are often excluded from the professional and social networks of menwhich are fundamental to obtain information on career opportunities, and many receive, even implicitly, the message that do not have the skills or personality suitable for managerial roles, which leads them not to propose themselves for these positions ».
Fortunately, the new generations, according to Lascaver, are less fears, fight for what they deserve. The bad news is that the society and the culture of work are still uncomprivotive towards their needs: «This lack of opening is a real obstacle to gender equality. Unfortunately, there is still a long way to go. “
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