Lui, Tomaso Vimercati, the practice of monogamy. Everyday. And for about fifteen years. Born in 1983, videomaker and copywriter by profession, after years of questions and provocations (public and otherwise), including interviews and speeches, he thought it was time to answer everyone with Beyond monogamy. Confessions of a sentimental anarchist (Tea), a very agile text that is the fruit of a life dedicated to alternative forms of relationship to monogamy.
Monogamy is not mandatory
Since every human activity is learned little by little, his hope is that many more people (not monogamous) will feel less “different”. Also Vimercati grew up thinking that monogamy was synonymous with normality after all, and that the pillars of society were marriage and patrimony (note the prefixes of the two concepts that make them two parents of our stability).
How did enlightenment come?
I had received various disappointments on various fronts and I started to question many of my beliefs since then, including those on relationships. So I found myself wanting two different girls, something I never thought possible. One of them was distant, but the other seemed to reciprocate my feelings. Not wanting to lie either to her or to myself, I simply told her things as they were: she wasn’t entirely happy with it, but she kissed me anyway.
The different faces of monogamy
Are we talking about an open couple, a “friendzone” or a loving friendship?
The distinction for me is completely arbitrary. Moreover, if monogamy is a free and conscious choice, I do not criticize it. But if today we talk a little more often about non-monogamy, it is also because so many factors favor it, such as ease of movement and communication. The question we should ask ourselves is: does it make sense to impose a single type of relationship on everyone?
What do you reply?
Anarchy does not mean autarky: cooperation between individuals is the basis of anarchist thinking. Stability is not necessarily a value but even thinking in these terms I believe a dense network of relationships is safer than a single person on whom to rely completely for their needs and desires.
And with the construction of a family what do we do?
I believe in the family, but if three or four adults who love each other decide to live together and put their assets in one basket, do we still call them family or municipality? And does it really matter? I have several people with whom I want to share experiences, intimacy, meals, travels, homes. I don’t feel the need to give them a particular name. And I believe that having or adopting children should not be an exclusive prerogative of the traditionally understood family.
Greater freedoms which, however, should correspond to greater responsibilities. Many aspire to non-monogamy but there are those who surrender by denying the goodness of choice, there are those who risk hurting themselves and appear ridiculous and there are those who instead patiently try to involve other people, which is the only way to carry out the most difficult feats.
Exactly how many girlfriends does he have?
I find it hard to answer this question, because an important part of my speech consists precisely in questioning the boundaries between one type of relationship and another, between friendship and romantic relationship, for example. I hang out with several people I love, reciprocated. But if the question is “how many relationships do you have?” I calmly answer tens or even hundreds. If, on the other hand, it is “how many people do you often sleep with in the same bed?”, Today I would answer two, but I don’t think it is particularly relevant.
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