How to deal with my immature son?

I am a hardworking single mother of two sons, ages 21 and 19, living at home. The relationship with the youngest is difficult. After dropping out of pre-university education, he now follows adult education with just as little effort. He neither works nor sports, takes care of himself badly and kills time gaming, snacking and sleeping. He sees no problem himself, so addressing him about behavior ends in an argument. I have little support from my ex. My son thinks he has a right to shelter and accuses me of meddling. He seems to have little ambition. What would you do: continue to offer him structure and convenience? Or are there other options? Woman (50), name known to the editors

Men together

Hotel mom. These words are on my doorstep, but only apply if the guests at the hotel treat me like their mother, are respectful and helpful, and contribute to the costs after high school. I’m in the same boat as you, I’m single and work 32 hours a week. My children, aged 17 and 19, know that doing nothing is not an option, you form a household together and everyone contributes to this. Simply put, there is no alternative. Maybe he can live with his father for a while, nice men among themselves. Ceciel van Raaij (46), De Bilt

Understanding GP

It sounds like your son is struggling with his mental health. Encourage him to make an appointment with an understanding doctor who can refer him to someone to talk to. Sara Mok (33), Horn

Pushing backfires

I too was one of those guys who at that age didn’t know what to do with himself. My advice is to finish school (if necessary, havo at half strength) and then go to work. It doesn’t matter what. This will break the pointless waste of time and he might come across something that will warm him up. Pushen backfires and wisdom comes with age. It eventually came to me. Gertjan Tamerus (36), Leusden

kick his ass

After two failed studies, my oldest son ended up on the couch at our house, TV on, laptop on my lap, smartphone in hand. It drove his stepfather and I crazy. After a few wakeful nights in which I saw him lying under a bridge, I kicked him out of the house. Sputtering, staying with friends, a job that required him to be in an editorial office at half past seven. Five years later, he was a newspaper coordinator and said, “Thank you for giving me that kick in the ass.” And our contact is very good. Alix Royer (62), Amsterdam

Same problem

I had the same problem with my son. I then rented a room for him and moved him there. I paid his rent, at home he also cost money and learned nothing. I didn’t pay anything else. After two years of muddling through, he still completed two HBO courses. Years later he told me it was the best thing I could have done for him. Maaike Hattink (66), Zelhem

Son now grateful

I kicked my son out of the house around his 20s because of aggression and laziness. Miraculously, he got a job very quickly and was able to support himself. Our relationship became very close after that and afterwards he was grateful to me. Hugo van Gent (70), Utrecht

stove years

I am currently reading with my youngest son Strong Vanja by Otfried Preussler, in which Wanja, much to the frustration of his brothers, lies silently on the stove for seven years and does nothing but eat sunflower seeds. After seven years he has become very strong and goes out into the wide world to perform heroic deeds. Unfortunately, I don’t know how you as a mother have to get through those stove years. Strong Vanja does not answer this: there is no mother in it (and perhaps for good reason). Renée Lemaire (49), Maastricht

no fault

Go for a walk with him and ask open questions about how things are really going (so no questions with a value judgment in them). Do not put the blame for this situation on your son, but look for connection together. Martijn de Gruijter (26), Utrecht