Qhen the partner, in any context, slows down or stops, actually or metaphorically, how does the other person react? Does he slow down and stop or leave his partner behind? It is on the outcome of this answer that the definition of is born Alpine divorcean expression borrowed from mountain walks which however It describes very well a behavior that can occur daily in all contexts. Not just among the peaks.
Alpine divorce, when the other moves on and doesn’t wait for the partner
Mountain excursion, one of the two less experienced than the other. At some point this falls behind. And the other, instead of slowing down and stopping, accelerates his pace, effectively abandoning his partner. A simple episode? Actually something more. In a not so metaphorical way, a way to understand how the two people within the couple relate when one of them is in difficulty. And that can give rise to various problems.
«In recent months there has been a lot of talk about the so-called “Alpine divorce“. It is an expression used to describe those situations in which, during an excursion or a climb, one partner leaves the other behind because they are considered too slow, untrained or unable to keep up. The expression comes from an 1893 story, An Alpine Divorceby the writer Robert Barr, in which a husband tries to free himself from his wife during an Alpine excursion. The term was then revived to describe real situations of abandonment in the mountains» explains the Dr. Laura Corvaglia, psychologist, psychotherapist. Supervisor Emdr Europe. EMDR Italian Association. Teacher of EMDR couple therapy for CRSP, Milan. In practice it happens that a person, in falling behind, is not helped and reached by his partner, but rather abandoned to his difficulties, not only physical ones. Because in these contexts psychological ones also take over which can have deep roots.
At the root of the Alpine divorce
The phenomenon of Alpine divorce does not only highlight the poor preparation of one member of the couple for mountain life and climbing. Indeed, it goes deeper, touching deep psychological chords: «Being left behind during an excursion can become much more than a simple experience of fatigue or disorganization. It can evoke experiences of loneliness, exclusion, invisibility or lack of protection. Those who are abandoned may suddenly feel unimportant, unseen or not worthy of being helped” explains the doctor. So what may appear to be innocent behavior from the more experienced of the couple actually strikes deeper chords.
And on the other side it can also be like this: «When you speed up your pace and you walk away, there may be more than just impatience behind it. Sometimes they come into play deep beliefs built over the course of one’s life story. The idea of having to rely exclusively on one’s own strength, the difficulty in tolerating dependencethe fear of being slowed down or overwhelmed by the needs of others. Past relational experiences influence how we deal with the present: when a person feels threatened, hurt or overwhelmed, it reacts not only to what is happening in that moment, but also to the emotional traces left by previous experiences which have not been fully worked out.” This is how a seemingly trivial episode can actually hide much more, such as the fear of being abandoned, of never being enough or never able to do what is askedor even the idea that asking for help is for losers or useless.
Alpine divorce as a metaphor for life as a couple
In this sense therefore the so-called Alpine divorce is one metaphor for understanding the dynamics within the couple and it has nothing to do with the mountain but rather with how the vulnerability of one another is experienced: «When your partner slows down, gets stuck, gets scared or needs support, can the other stay present and available? Or does he distance himself, get irritated or go his own way? Many relationship crises arise precisely around this question. In this therefore, when working on the couple, It doesn’t matter who is wrong or who is right, but we work on understanding the emotional wounds of both and everyone’s experience. Also because this type of situation can occur in any area and brings out one aspect: you no longer stop being two but you feel alone despite being in a couple. The most solid relationships, however, are not those in which both always keep the same pace, but those in which each knows how to slow down when the other needs it” concludes the expert.