Dear Ester, a few weeks ago I was dumped. It happened suddenly, between tears and contradictory phrases like “I don’t want to lose you”, “I need to be alone”, even though until a few days before we had been making plans together. Apparently, the cause is a uglier argument than the others that made him question everything.
In the meantime, I’m going through a difficult time with my family and I already feel fragile and finding myself without him was a very hard blow, as if the ground had fallen out from under me just when I needed it most. I tried to look for it again, despite the “don’t dare!” of friends and relatives, but I only found distance and cold words, as if I were a stranger.
What I can’t understand is how one can go from being there to disappearing emotionally in such a short time. How do we become so distant, so impervious to the other’s pain?
And above all: how long does it take for this burden to lighten a little?
Ester Viola’s response
When you feel bad, understanding is not enough
Dear B.
when you feel bad the excuse is to ask questions. Understanding, however, isn’t of much use, understanding doesn’t prevent you from feeling, he said.
Do you know what you really want? Someone who, with a credible tone and therapeutic seriousness, would tell us “you have to wait two months, then it will pass”. It’s the time between feeling bad and feeling better that weighs on the nerves.
Olivia Marni and sentimental disasters
If the rule is that we can mention each other once a year, I bring here that little person, Olivia Marni, who I had decided to make become the champion of sentimental misfortunes, thinking mainly of my own. The conclusion on page 3 still convinces me:
I know what should be done, I read it in books.
- Leave them before they get tired of you.
- If you’re sad, move.
I read it in books: change perspective. And if I can’t be beautiful, I must at least be wonderful.
But has anyone ever succeeded?
My name is Olivia Marni, I’m thirty-two years old and the same thing always happens to me. In ten points:
- We’re together, I’m happy, then he gets tired of being happy with me.
- plan A: I’m leaving. I’m smart, I disappear before I make him completely tired. So he misses me and comes back.
- A goodbye isn’t that terrible, it depends on who takes the initiative.
- I also have plan B: I’m not leaving. It’s better. In love you don’t need intelligence, you need courage: if you care, they say you have to fight. That is, I stay in the house that’s on fire and he leaves.
- I had to fight against whom? Plan C: I’ll start crying.
- Plan C again.
- I analyze. But what do I analyze? The reasons why everyone gets tired of me at some point?
- I’m not going out. Soon the animal will call back.
- Soon is a day that never comes.
- On a beautiful sunny morning I feel better: perhaps my patience has been rewarded, it’s passing me by. Instead he got engaged to someone else, I find out and I suffer like at the moment of farewell, so I decide to write to him or call him. the bottom.
Everyone knows what the bottom is like. Why do I have to go down and touch?
The universal stages of the end of a relationship
On the end of love, in this collective that I call mail of the heart we have already written the tremendous universal succession, here it is:
- The farewell. The feeling of “I won’t make it to tomorrow”. The fixed thought becomes: if he doesn’t call me back within three days, I’ll die.
- He doesn’t call back.
- You don’t die.
- A week later you’re still there. And that’s okay, you’re not dead. But you’re not even remotely alive. You drag yourself from home to the office, you try to limit the damage caused by inattention, you’re sleepy. You drag yourself from the office to home, hope to sleep, you don’t sleep.
- Abandon immense hopes. He won’t call back. You move on to more modest hopes, minimal goals: functioning physically.
- You return to a more or less normal life. The impression is that of an indecent unhappiness. You’re in an emotional vacuum, it’s an anesthesia of everything. You don’t even like going to the beach. Imagining morale as if it were made of bones, you feel like they are broken.
- You start going out again. Partly out of compulsion, partly out of self-defense.
- After a dozen unpresentables, you meet someone who makes you start your sentence with “all things considered”.
Time and what you understand afterwards
I don’t know if there are those who are better at forgetting, B. I wasn’t one of them at all. I wasn’t fast, I couldn’t distract myself, worst of all I couldn’t see the rest and I gave disproportionate importance to things of love, as if they were the only center from which one could start to make the rest work. A life without love first has no chance of making flowers and leaves. It was exactly the opposite, I didn’t understand anything.
What you always learn too late
You always know after what you had to do before. Nobody tells you that there is no time to give yourself time, that there is no time to wait for better times. That you don’t have time to waste it.